Promo-Code-Free-Shipping-Happy-Holidays!

Merry Christmas, everyone! It's always shocking how quickly Christmas Eve arrives. I mean, you're going about your November, just contemplating the holidays and presents and then bam! It's almost December 24 and your amazon.com order is set to arrive on that very day, leaving you with approximately 2 hours to wrap it up and take it with you to Christmas Eve dinner. WOHOHOHOHO, SEASON'S GREETINGS!!!

Yup. I just wanted to get that off my chest. It could have been worse. My online shopping packages could have arrived on the 25th. I don't know why I haven't learned my lesson. I should just make up my mind more quickly and not wait for the, last day of free super saver shipping on qualifying orders... restrictions apply. I also did some actual shopping in stores where the only thing worse than lining up at the register is lining up at the register with the person behind you breathing down your neck. All right, just kidding, it wasn't that bad. Except if the person breathing down your neck had ashtray breath, haha. No, it wasn't like that. It really could be worse, like if the person behind you had ashtray breath and a bad temper and you were in a hardware store that sells chainsaws and the store is about to close so there is only one exit.




Last Saturday, I finally got a haircut. Okay, now don't sneer at me but I haven't had a haircut in weeks and weeks. And by weeks I mean months. And, fine! By months I mean half a year! The lady who does my hair moved and she only flies into town every so often. So we got together and I wanted a length that was just above my boob area, long layers, no more bangs, thank you very much.

After the actual haircut, something got into her and she decided to show me how to do glamorous curls! Armed with her curling iron and several rollers, my fabulous hairstylist gave me a kind of old Hollywood 'do. Super fancy. I wish I had somewhere to go to other than the NEIGHBORHOOD SAFEWAY where I had to stop by. Oh well, there's nothing like looking glam at the cash register, under supermarket lighting.

Psst... How about some Marjorie Dawes for the holidays?

Underplay/ Overreact

I had an interesting encounter a few weeks ago. I complimented someone about her figure and I got a response that I didn't quite expect. We've all heard the usual ones like, thank you and aww, you're just being nice or, really? But I've never heard someone reply with a, drum roll please...

Well, I've been blessed.

Before I blurted out, blessed you are... with a big ego! I thought about it. Was I taken aback because I didn't really mean what I said? Was I surprised because the response was something I've never heard from most people I've paid compliments to? Was it her or was it just me? Was my inner reaction an overreaction?



Moving on to matters of the fitting room. I decided to be a little more adventurous and try a clothing item I would not normally touch with the edge of a fingernail. Yes, I am talking about harem pants. I've seen people who have worn them with success, most of them tall women with Alexa Chung thighs and on them, the pants really do look strangely appealing. So I tried a pair on at Nordstrom's and WHAT THE HEY?! MY EYES ARE BURNING! I looked like I ran out of pants and decided to fashion a loincloth out of someone's black bedsheet. It was bad. Worse than the time I tried on a pair of diaper slacks at Ross Dress for Less (just kidding).

Frozen Tundras and Lady Paula

What a week. First, Monday brings us a yucky, snowy day. Thankfully I didn't have to go to work. Although, I wish I could have done some writing. But, I couldn't. Why? My laptop's charger decided to quit on me. The nerve! Not even a two week notice. Or, a short note. Or, a text.

More snow and freezing temperatures on Tuesday. Wasn't able to get to work. Still no laptop.

Wednesday, I had to find a way to get myself to work. Bus snow routes were in effect which meant that I had an 11-block walk to the bus stop. I walked uphill, in a frozen tundra. The wind chill was punishing. I could see the snow getting blown off the ground. I could hear um, birds that live in icy places make their call, signalling to their flock that I was close to death and could be eaten. I really didn't think I was going to make it.

Oh, all right. That was an exaggeration. Strike frozen tundra from my previous paragraph. And it wasn't uphill. Although, there really was a wind chill and some spots on the sidewalk were pretty icy. And no birds. The 11-block walk was accurate. Thankfully I had snow pants on and heavy-duty gloves. But really though, it was cold. It was so cold that on the way back home, I stood next to a penguin while waiting for my bus.

What? Right. That wasn't a penguin. It was just a lady of short stature in a black, shiny, hooded floor-length coat.

Yesterday was much better. I got to borrow my sister's laptop (which, I am using at the moment). It got warm enough for all the snow to melt. No drama on the road to Thanksgiving dinner with family. If you must know, I dressed very appropriately. Everyone knows one's appetite is only as large as one's poncho and only as strong as one's elastic waist band...Happy Thanksgiving!




Ooh. Tomorrow, it will be a week since Lanvin for H&M's launch. I will admit, I completely underestimated Seattle response to the event. I ended up waiting in line for a while. I knew I had nowhere to wear those precious dresses to so I went straight to the men's section to get my hands on the jackets.

What jackets? By the time I got there the place was already ransacked. I was lucky to even get one jacket and one shirt. There was even a crabby, well-dressed man who saucily muttered to himself, this place is full of fat people. In a matter of minutes, even the poor mannequins were stripped - from the sunglasses to the scarf to its right arm. Madness.

I leave you with today's selection for Flier of the Month, written by a Lady Paula. Provenance? 3rd and Pike. Here is an excerpt:

Say Hello to the Rug's Topography: A Perfect Circle Plays Thirteenth Step at Showbox at the Market

How about thirteen observations on A Perfect Circle's 2nd night at the Showbox? Let's start with:

1. Waiting at the Green Room is a great advantage... if you are willing to pay a price. And by price I mean, the price of drinks and/or bar food. Each person gets a piece of paper with a number corresponding to the order batches of people are let in. Which means, if you're early you will most likely be in batch 1 and the road to the first row is wide open. And maybe you don't even have to spend too much. Just buy one or two drinks, ration it out and that would mean no waiting outside, in the cold or rain and you can save all your foot and leg energy for when the show starts.

On the other hand, the Green Room's environment and the loooong wait until the doors open, breed a lot of drunken behavior. Just ask the lady with her headphones on who was bopping around the bar talking to strangers and bouncers and anyone who would listen.

2. The bar sold quite a bit of Maynard's wine from Cadaver Cellars. What? Oh, sorry. It's Caduceus Cellars. The mature ladies, most especially, shelled out about $8 a pop for that wine.

3. Someone in the band enjoys The Carpenters as the pre-show music was a lot of that and other '70s tunes.

4. I knew I would have a little bit of trouble as soon as I saw, from the corner of my eye, who was standing behind me:




5. Wait a minute. Sorry. My mistake, that was a little too Ursula from Disney's The Little Mermaid. I think it was more like this:




Unfortunately for me, the creature migrated to the spot beside me, along with her mate, whose call was, woohoohoohahaha! WAHAHAHAHA! MAYNARD! PRECIOUS! YEAH BABY! WOOHOOHOOHAHA, and whose elbow somehow seemed to keep finding my head. Ugh. Keep your man bits in your mate's vicinity, you perv. And really? Scoot over? Scoot over, where? Our row was elbow-to-elbow even before you squished your tentacles between me and the person on my left.

6. Rumor was, Maynard was sick. If he was, it didn't show. He sounded great, maybe with a little help from whatever you call that delayed, echo effect thing. As an aside, Josh Freese's twitter page is really entertaining.

7. Maynard's wig kind of looked like this:





8. The Nurse Who Loved Me was an amazing surprise! I already like the song a lot but to hear a longer version, with Billy Howerdel and the guys doing something different with it was an extra bonus.

9. James Iha sure can tell a joke. Lame as they were, his delivery was so endearing and the band's reactions and sound effects were so spot on that you couldn't help laughing anyway. The new bassist, Matt McJunkins gamely took in Maynard's new-guy jokes and Billy's guitar-pick-throwing. Also, James gets a thousand points for showing Seattle some love with his, home of rock quip.

10. Yesss! We got to hear 3 Libras anyway, the Massive Attack remix, that is. But still!

11. Revenge against the squid-folk came courtesy of one of Showbox's security guys. See, the no camera warning was pretty stern. But Ursula's mate thought it would be cool to snap some shots even with a cute security guy about two feet away from him. To be honest, I would have liked it if they were ejected but, the security people were not that mean. They took his camera instead. I hope they didn't get it back. Just kidding (but not really).

12. Okay I'm running out of material so I'm just going to say it was an amazing night and the ticket price with all those ridiculous surcharges, convenience fees, restroom-waiting-line fees, assistance-for-the-drunk fees were well worth it.

13. Even with the dark, creepy tone of their last song, a cover of Imagine, we all still had huge grins on our faces as we walked out the doors and onto 1st and Pike... where an ambulance was waiting for this man or was it woman, who was taken out in a wheelchair by Showbox staffers, two-way radios in their hands.

Yay, Seattle.

In a Ranting Mood

First of all, we've run out of half-and-half. There's not a renegade can of condensed milk or evaporated milk in the pantry, although, there's a surplus of Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup which, IS USELESS FOR MY COFFEE. So I am typing this with nonfat, powdered milk IN MY COFFEE.

I have now put myself in a ranting mood where every single moment I was affronted, in the past or present, starts to bubble up and take shape in my mind. So, I would just like to say to that woman who thought it was appropriate to feel sad for me when I happily cut my hair short, hey, hey lady, those clogs aren't working for ya!

Yeah, so that was several years ago, so what? Haven't you ever had a negative comment niggle in your brain for a long time?

Well, it's about to get worse, here's something from my younger years when I was but a wee lassie in my school uniform. Recess was in the classroom because it was raining and as I chewed on my peanut butter sandwich, I turned to my classmate and shared an innocent observation with her. I said, isn't it a bit strange how our teacher has a banana for recess every single day? Like a monkey?

You know what happened? My classmate, let's call her Loose Lips, raises her hand and tells Ms. Banana what I told her. I had to stand up and get a verbal flogging for what Ms. Banana Peel thought was a hurtful comment. I didn't say Ms. Rotten Banana looked like a monkey. I just said Ms. Maggot-y Rotten Banana likes bananas like monkeys do!

And how about those people who tell you things you already know? Like, oh, you want to write, just submit your work, just get it out there. Or, just keep sending your resume, just keep going. Oh yeah? Guess what? I already know that. I've done that. Go brush your hair and leave me alone. Word of advice for those who are fond of giving advice, usually, the person you're talking to is already aware of the situation she's in. If anyone is more aware of what is happening, it is usually that person that you are talking to.

Here's a good one. So obviously, I was erm, in between jobs for a while. All right, for quite a long while. I attended a class with my peeps, my fellow unemployed peeps and we had a few minutes to chat with each other. And the woman I sat next to, although she did it in a friendly way, started to give a talk about what I should do to jumpstart my career. I mean, she really got into it, like she was an employment counselor and I was in desperate need of her expert advice. In my mind I went, ZOMG, WTF, STFU, did you forget you were unemployed too?

Here's something that raised my hackles this morning:

IS THAT YOUR SHIRT PEEKING FROM UNDER YOUR SKIRT? Isn't it bad enough that the summer brought us cut-off shorts that were so short the pockets were showing? Now you want to bring fame to exposed shirt hems?

AACK! I can still feel my forehead vein throbbing! So before you judge me with a, why so angry? Let it go, for crying out loud. Just think, anger can be useful. Look at me, my anger is making me burn calories because I'm pounding on my keyboard with so much force. And look,I'm about to defrost some frozen bananas to make some banana bread which, is damn tasty, if I may say so myself! And hey what's this? It's an oversized shirt. I think I'm going to steam away its wrinkles now. and then I'm going to go around the neighborhood, push people's front doors open and be Liz Taylor-like in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and say, WHAT A DUMP!

Goodbye and thank you very much.

Choose Your Costume

I was so bothered by my recent foray into convent attire that... well, just guess what my Halloween costume was. Here are some clues, stiff white shirt under a black cardigan and black dress, black tights, black orthopedic shoes. Get it? More clues? Black veil, rosary around neck, wooden ruler as a weapon. Get it now?

My sister went as a Mad Scientist. Ha! I take credit for that! Well, me and a can of Big and Sexy hairspray. It was pretty brilliant. She back-combed her hair into 1980s proportions and then sprayed massive amounts of Big and Sexy. Her lab coat was already messed up from her Chemistry Lab class and then we used her lab goggles as a stencil for soot marks around her eyes and nose.

In our party we had a risque-attired Little Red Riding Hood, a decorated Military woman, a car repairman with a Pedro wig (don't ask me why), there was a similarly risque-attired Little Miss Muffet and a prisoner with a taste for revealing uniforms.

Once we got to the Ballroom in Fremont, we spotted:

a bunch of bananas
a gingerbread man who, considering his perishable state, was in a very good mood
a disturbing trio that dressed up as an Oreo cookie, in other words, 2 black ladies in black unitards and their man friend in a white unitard
a team of Double Dare contestants
the Beastie Boys in Intergalactic attire
several Chilean miners
a couple of Jack Sparrows waiting for the next Pirate's of the Caribbean movie
Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World
a gaggle of Gagas
Snooki and friends
about 2 or more Popes and my fellow nuns
a donut
a wedding cake
homeless dudes with Please Help signs
and the usual sexy somethings - sexy nurse, sexy police officer, sexy school girl, sexy piece of furniture (just kidding)

Let's keep it Halloween-like with some French & Saunders, shall we?

In Theory

Oh, update about the aspiring-musician-neighbor. He has not been back in his home for weeks! I am unaccustomed to the silence coming from that side of our house. We have a bunch of theories about where he went and under what circumstances. Hopefully, the aliens don't come to our place because I just cannot deal with space travel. Last time I checked Dramamine Mega Altitude hasn't been put on the store shelves yet. Really though, he left everything as it is - champagne flute atop his grill, bath towel on roof and various other objects. Weird.

So, have you ever put something together in your head and thought to yourself, this is going to be so good. And then you put it to reality and it's a big old mess? I don't know what I was thinking the other day! I put together some clothes for work, I thought I'd pair an above-the-knee navy skirt with a navy top and a cardigan and black tights and my new lace-up booties with a low heel, which I enjoy wearing so much. I did look at myself in the mirror before I left but on my way to work I realized something.

And that something was that I looked like I was about to commit myself to a convent. Really. All I needed was that little veil. Or, if I carried a carpet bag and skipped on the sidewalk I could be Maria on her way to the Von Trapp family. Or I could put a white lab coat on and be one of those seamstresses for Karl Lagerfeld. Except I'd be the one who was only good for holding the pin cushion.




It's like turtleneck tops. They look good in theory. I always think, well, I am going to look like a stylish something with a graceful neck. And then you try it on and wear it for a while and then your neck starts to itch and the fabric rides up to your armpits and you start folding the neck down to get some ventilation and before you know it you've grabbed a pair of scissors and you're cutting the fabric and making animal noises and well, you get the idea.

Business Sleepwear Casual Fancy Dress

Heyhey! I just started a new part time job. Very exciting. For me, since it's a new experience. Unlike my old job, you know, the one with the mega bitch Boss Lady, this one requires a certain attire. No more Casual Sleepwear or Fancy Pajamas or Sweatpant Chic. And look, it wasn't even an individual thing, it was just the nature of that job. You saw no one other than your co-workers, you sat at a little pod where you could get away with engaging in activities that should be done in private. Yes, I am talking to you former co-worker who clips her nails(YUCK and YUCK). In short, unless you're fashion-inclined there was just no motivation to get dressed.

Now that I'm starting a new phase in my mostly boring work-life, I so look forward to planning outfits. I do realize I need more work pants. For now, I make do with a rotation of the few that I own. I also need comfortable shoes that still look pretty. Maybe I'll even wear a pencil skirt, which I have never, in my life worn. Yes, I am talking to you hips, you're all, I like to take up space, deal with it. I also have a secret desire to, at least once, wear a demure, slightly-above-the-knee pleated skirt.

So far, I've already worn something like this:



And this:



Do you think this would be too office-wear-ish?




The shoes aren't too business-like, are they?



Maybe this one's too much:

October!

October has arrived! I don't know why I put an exclamation point there. I'm not particularly excited about how time feels like it's passing so quickly. What I am excited about are those seasonal coffee flavors. I like Pumpkin Spice Latte. Eggnog Latte is also all right. But my favorite flavor which should come soon, is Gingerbread Latte.

I wish I had a Gingerbread Latte with me when my mom, sister and I were waiting at a government office last Tuesday, for a very important errand. What is it with government offices and airplanes that make strangers start talking to each other? Why are there graduates from the School of I Can't Keep my Mouth Shut everywhere?

So we sat behind this Frankenstein's Monster look-alike in a striped hoodie and actual bolts on his neck (just kidding, no bolts)who was chatting up a young lady who sounded like Mad TV's Ms. Swan. And you can tell, Swan is starting to lose interest but FM keeps chatting away about missing lab class and college and getting chased away by neighbors with torches. And then, Grandpa Beret next to them chimes in about his adult daughter who can still speak German and why, why, why must I not only listen but have all that information stew in my brain???

Now that I have that off my chest, actually, I don't, back to airplanes. Have you ever been seated in the vicinity of passengers whose only goal in an international flight is to ingest as much free alcohol as they can? Whatever, do what you want but keep your red-faced ebullience to yourself and if you can do that then I promise I'll stop stinking up the cabin with my silent-but-deadly farts, HA! Wait, I mean, I'll tell the person sitting next to me to stop because it's so offensive.

Here's Ms. Swan on an airplane:



P.S. Those rain boots I've been talking about? Love them! I almost liked the rain because my feet felt to secure and so... what's the word? DRY.

Keyboard, Possessed

I found it! That Jeffrey Campbell rain boot. It wasn't exactly fresh off the shoe factory so I didn't find it in stores. But I did find it here, on sale, I might add. It should arrive in the mail about two days from today. Also arriving in the mail? My Telephantasm 2 CD and DVD edition. It's the videos I'm most excited about.

Okay, back to footwear. I already have visions of what to wear with it. and I don't just mean the umbrella I'll be holding over my head, although I'll probably need that too.

I meant something like this:




Or this:




Except when I imagine those, I also have a vision of THIS:





What is going on with that elf? He's completely fried. Although, I look almost exactly like that on the six o'clock evening hour, after I've crashed on my coffee pot worth of caffeine for the day. ZING! Whaddya know? It's just about 6 right now ayeEEE! WakakakakaKAKA!

Moving on, it was pointed out to me that all the movies I listed on that other post were old. I can't do anything about that because I like them but I do actually like movies that are more recent. In fact I should have included The Breakfast Club.

Oh all right, before I look like a complete fossil, here are some (relatively) recent Netflix-ed or, 90s and later movies that I liked and would recommend:

The Secret in Their Eyes
A Prophet
Crazy Heart
The Cove
A Single Man
The Young Victoria
Up
Coco Before Chanel
Apocalypse Now. What? How did that get on the list? Annie Hall. Blackadder 1-4. Hey! What is going on?! Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown. To Kill a Mockingbird. The Red Shoes.

OMG. My keyboard's possessed.

Posing Lecture No. 3

The following post is brought to you by, The Starlets' School of Posing. This is a transcript of Professor Mary Lara "Billy" Menounos Hart-Spencer's most recent lecture.

"Ladies. I'm back. Welcome me. This is a short lesson because I have an appointment for serious medical matter - varicose veins. Ay.

All right. What have we here? I will show you some pictures of the most primal, most savage, most raw posing and styling you have seen. You can learn much, ladies, if you open your mind to the wonders of the jungle! LOOK!





Yes! This Taylor Momsen, look at her. See the tilt of her head. The little mmph on her lips. Tell me, class, what strikes you about Miss Momsen? Yes, you there, go ahead.

YOU FOOL! I will not have fools in my class saying Taylor Momsen looks like the hookers in streets at night! Blasphemy! the answer I am looking for is that Taylor is an animal. She is a sensuous, intelligent panda. Yes! A panda! And that little pout? It is the method acting saying, I am panda, I want to go back to my home with the bamboo and my panda brothers and sisters.

This girl! She makes me weep because she is a genius.

Now we go to the hot, dark deep of the jungle. Where the hunters try but can never capture the creature called, THE LEOPARD! LOOK!





Again I want to weep! Ladies, look closely, what do you see? Yes, you wearing the headband, go on.

NOOOO! How dare you answer that Ms. Paz de la Huerta looks like a cat on a crazy train. Can you not see this elegant yet dangerous predator? The lipstick the color of dried blood? The sheen of perspiration from hunting her prey? No?

This class depresses me! Get away from my sight, all of you! Leave now."

End of lecture.

It's Someone's Birthday

Happy Birthday to my BFF who is thousands of miles away. We spent our birthdays (which are only days apart) together last year and we will have that again in future. For now, cheers to us, and the year ahead!

And because she's fond of these muumuus, I mean, memes that make you list 15 somethings or describe in detail such and such, and because she asked me to answer the question, what is in your bag?




plastic case for some paperwork I had in there yesterday
sunglasses
eyeglasses
little purse holding the most ragged-looking mini address book you have seen and an even more pathetic lip color palette
pen
wallet
a Daiso plastic bag (Where all unmarked items are $1.50!) - A side story about the contents of this bag. I was out hoping to buy some birthday presents... for me. Instead I found myself in this wasteland of Japanese products. I bought a bottle of liquid eyeliner, a chignon hair tool, one of those foot file things that look like a microplane and heel cup shoe supports - for support. And all right, maybe an added half an inch of height.
a bunch of folded up facial tissues
Chapstick
schedule for the #28
(not pictured because I've taken it out of my bag)a library book called Tombs, an anthology from 1994 - Another side story. Being a bookworm has its dangers as this book whacked me right on the bridge of my nose while I was reading in bed the other night. I swear I felt my skull vibrate. How embarrassing would that be, to have to tell people you got a book-injury.

That's about it. What was in my bag as of yesterday.

Since we're doing momos, let's just continue. In random order, a few of my favorite movies:

Notorious
The Philadelphia Story
Rear Window
Billy Elliot
Brief Encounter
The Adventures of Baron Munchausen
Casablanca, okay can I just say, what a face Ingrid Bergman has.
Abre los Ojos
Paper Moon

And finally, this song is stuck in my head and it does not seem to be going anywhere:

Clearance Items on this Rack

How do I say this nicely, about myself? Let's see...

Okay, there's no way so I'll just come right out and say it. I am kind of a cheapo. There. Now that that's out of the way I'd like to share my very brief Fall shopping list.

I would like a pair of rain boots. This is kind of puzzling but even though I've lived in rainy Seattle for almost 7 years now, I have never owned a pair of rain boots. Let's just say I've experienced quite a bit of flooding in my flats. Yuck, right? So this year, I want a pair that's similar to what Michelle Williams is wearing in this paparazzi picture. There's a Jeffrey Campbell Vee rain boot in black that looks great. They're about $50. I like that they look so easy to slip on as opposed to taller boots that might suffer from Gaping Mouth Syndrome and Pulled Pant Leg Disease.

Not only have I foolishly and consistently worn flats through the rain but I've done so in winter too. I want to make it up to my feet and get another pair of boots. I saw a pair of Zara lace-up wedges in black. Don't tell anyone but they kind of spoke to me. I think they said, oy woman, being broke ain't so bad. Buy me. But that short trip to Vancouver came and went and I never did spend the 99.90CAD on that pair. There isn't a physical Zara store here and their website is all, you're being punished for not buying so contact the webmaster to get a lecture against delayed gratification and wait until our online store is up.

Several blog posts ago I complained about my odd-shaped head and how hats just don't fit me. That has not changed. My skull is as small and lumpy as it ever was which means that hats are still a no for me. I do want one of those chunky knitted headbands that can stretch wide enough to cover your ears. Hey! it's a two for one: warm ears and no hat head, woohoo.



I would also like a new bag as I've pretty much used my favorite bag to death. I mean I've put a leftover, napkin-wrapped sandwich(or 2, or more) in there, 3 library books at the same time, two small shattered pieces from the car's rear light, a can of diet rootbeer, a bag of chips, etc, etc...

Some have complained that the Sofia Coppola-Louis Vuitton collab was boring but I really like this, or, realistically speaking, something that looks like this:



I want one of those larger bags with both an adjustable shoulder strap so you can wear it across your body, or not, and top handles. Being a sort-by-price-low-to-high kind of shopper, I would like one that's reasonably priced.

By reasonable I mean affordable. By affordable I mean cheap. And by cheap I mean I'll probably still be using my current bag for a few more months.




*Prada Fall 2010 headband, Sofia Coppola and Louis Vuitton SC bag

Hana and the End

Yes, I will admit it. I was a dizzy mess on the drive back from Hana. My Dad was driving and even with my stong belief in his skills, my guts had an even stronger belief in its desire to expel its contents. Thankfully, any vomiting was avoided. I just held that position (see picture below) and variations of it throughout the trip.



We had some pizza and soup for dinner and in my condition I was unable to to take a single bite.

Just kidding.

My appetite was intact and my head back to normal so the day ended just as well as it began.

What wasn't normal? My hair. Actually, the whole family's hair. How was I supposed to know that in our collective effort to save on checked baggage fees that I was the only one with a travel-sized bottle of shampoo in my Zip Lock bag? Surely they were all to blame for us having to use soap in lieu of shampoo!!! You know how when you bake and the recipe calls for egg whites beaten into stiff peaks? Yes? That was the general state of our hair until we got to buy shampoo at the store.

Hair problems aside, Day 5 was a lot of fun with another go at Wailea. The water was quite rough. The paddle boarders were nowhere in sight and even the dude in swim trunks manning the bouncy slide was missing.

We found a floater labeled, "Linda," close to where we set up our mats and beach towels. My sister saw it as a gift. Look, no one claimed it. It was just sitting there. Don't go giving us evils. Besides, the Sharpie-written, "Linda," was a sign since my Mom's BFF is named Linda. Now, "Linda" the floater's former owner will be happy to know that we put the thing to good use, floating and bouncing with the waves.

The following morning was set for a short swim at Kamaole II again. Then packing, where boxes of Chocolate Macadamias and Hawaiian coffees were distibuted amongst our carry-ons. After lunch, we headed back to the airport.

A few notes on Hawaiian Air. They have some really pleasant flight attendants and even with a Blended Pasta or Bread Sandwich with ham sprinkles meal, I will happily accept any food on a domestic flight, that is still free. Oh and they showed Prince of Persia so that was also a plus.

And as I wrap this post up, I find myself back at my desk, looking out my window where I have an excellent view of Seattle's currently overcast skies. But my spirits are high. Just a glimpse at my already peeling nose and forehead in the mirror, or a glance at my blackened shoulders and I am transported back to my Maui experience.

Check it Out Braughhhh

That's what the shirtless dude by Kamaole Beach Park II said. He followed it up with, only $18.95. I don't know what he was selling or renting though. Now, I didn't have my glasses on at that time but I promise you, he looked almost exactly like Chris Cornell. Except, this guy was shorter and I think several of his teeth were missing... Well, maybe he doesn't look like Chris Cornell at all.

Anyway, that was one of my encounters with shirtless men in Maui, Hawaii, where encounters like such are unavoidable. We stayed at Kihei where the beach was just a cross walk away and where people actually flocked to for the sunset.



As a bonus to an already magnificent view, one also got an abundance of sand blown into one's bodily crevices. And wait, there's more... Foodland was close which meant that their delicious poke was never too far. No joke, I am not much of a raw fish fan but that was some amazing poke. I forget the exact variety but it was something like garlic ahi tuna. Their Kim Chee mussels were also very good. And I'll stop there because just typing Kim Chee mussels is making my mouth water.



Can I just say, I was a bit scandalized by the grocery prices. And the coffee prices. $4 for an iced, tall, drip coffee? That's right, drip.

On our second day in Maui, we went to Wailea Beach. That was some swanky area. Speaking of swanky places, I wish I knew where Oprah's Maui house was. I would've totally checked it out. Back to Wailea - big houses, posh mall, tiny public parking for the beach. One of the things I liked about it was that the shore was so wide that getting sand kicked in your face by people walking around just didn't happen. In my Mom's words, as she compared Honolulu's Waikiki to Wailea Beach, you don't have to be near any bitches or jerk bastards and their little devils. JUST KIDDING. I said that. My Mom would never ever.

And the Grand Wailea Resort? It was grand. Sprawling, kind of flashy but with a flashy kind of charm.

The following day, we took the long trip to Lahaina although we decided to keep driving since we saw how rocky the beaches were. We went to Kapalua Beach instead. It was even more intimidating than Wailea. They had gated areas and the Ritz Carlton and lots of super slim and tanned older ladies in micro shorts. It was a challenge looking for shore access and public parking but it was well worth it. The beach was smaller but the snorkeling was fantastic.

Oh, all right, by snorkel I mean awkwardly shove that mouthpiece in my maw and take gasping breaths while getting my hair tangled up with the mask's strap. Let's just say it took me a while to ease into the snorkeling groove and when I did, then yes, it was fantastic.




Next up on our Maui itinerary was the drive to Hana. The day started like a dream. Sunshine. Lovely breakfast. A neatly packed lunch in the backseat and off we went. We stopped by Moana Bakery where we met lovely people who boxed our apple streudel and chocolate croissant. Then we were on the winding road to Hana. We wound and wound in a zigzag pattern. In fact it was so zigzag I now know what Scary Spice means by zigazagAAAAHHH!

The views were breathtaking. The trees were gigantic. I also learned that a loop trail is another term for harder, muddier path. There was an amazing spa-like smell at the arboretum from one of the plants, no doubt. And the black sand beach was a beauty!



But, in the way that travels typically go, a return was required. And my return journey from Hana? Well, let's save it for the next post, shall we?

Shopping (Mis)guide

Have you heard? Style.com says Collegiate Cool is on trend this Fall. They recommend we get a pair of loafers along with a plaid skirt. The skirt should be easy, any novelty store that sells Halloween costumes should have it. Just look for the Slutty Schoolgirl label.

Oh, look! It's Kelly Bensimon in a plaid skirt. Isn't she from the show called Real Housewives of New York ? I have never watched that show and that's why I don't know that Kelly thinks Bethenny is a cook and not a chef and that gummi bears are fun.

The cape is also making a come back. Don't get a red cape because that is so passe. I would stick with green, it'll be so appropriate when all the Green So-and-so superhero movies come out.



Hold on a minute. The Green Hornet and Green Lantern do not wear capes? Well, there goes my joke.

What else? Ah. Shoulder bags like what our mothers had. Or, if you're like my Mom, still has in her closet (nicely cloth-wrapped, with loose change in the inside pockets).

That's British DJ Fearne Cotton with a Mulberry Neely Messenger. I am not kidding this time but, I really like that bag. In my daydreams I actually bought one and I'm carrying it right now while reaching inside to pull out a custom made handgun because someone is following me and I am an international spy.

Back to the shopping list. Those sweatshirts with the logo that looks like a school's seal? Buy it. A boyish blazer will also come in handy, make sure to look at the tag where it says the blazer comes with B.O. and a puberty mustache, because God knows, that's the only way to get a real boyish one.

Other Fall/ Winter trends to watch out for are the return of Camel - as in the cigarette.

Oh, what? Right. Sorry. Camel as in the color is what I meant.

And there's more. Aviator jackets are already selling out so better get one immediately. The real value-for-money jackets come with a companion flight-attendant polo shirt.

Kitten heels are also back.

That would be a kitten heel on Nicole Kidman. Oh don't be rude. Stop staring at her forehead! Just get a pair of those heels and find some space in your closet for them, alongside your mouse flats, puppy platforms and piggy pumps and... you know I can keep going, right?

Finally, if you're a jewelry kind of lady, the piece to get is the oversized necklace. It's such a statement, especially when worn around an undersized neck.

Okay. That's that. XOXO! Enjoy shopping, dollfaces!

Quota Reached

I have officially reached my camping quota for the year. Yes, that is correct. The grand total for my camping endeavors this 2010 is... two. And with the weekend at gorgeous Lake Chelan behind me, I bid farewell to the following:

1. state park toilets and showers
2. dusty, grimy feet and footwear
3. charcoal briquets that take forever to get hot
4. rhetorical debates as to whether peeing at this very moment is necessary
which lead to:
5. flashlight-lit walks to item no. 1
6. dismantling tents
7. creepy mullet-haired drivers scouting campsites
8. "Monsters Inside Me" inspired fears (Thanks a lot Animal Planet)

Without naming any names or pointing any fingers, here are some words that were thrown around amongst us campers over the weekend:

"If I get cancer in a few years I'll know it's from your burnt chicken."
"Score my burp."
"Why won't anyone score my farts?"
"We need to perform an exorcism on your butt."
"What is the point of showering?"
"I brought my make-up."
"She wanted to bring curlers and a hair dryer."
"Let's tie our tent to the dock and pretend we have a boat."
"The six-year old in the next campsite might steal our liquor."
"KATOL!"

And before I sound like the whiniest most annoying camping-hater, I must say I will also miss camping. There's nothing quite like long meandering conversations around a bonfire with stars like you will never see in the city skies. Getting 'Smore-debris all over your clothes, sipping hot coffee in the morning while looking out at nature and not knowing what time it is and having an excuse to eat because we can't possibly bring all that food back because there's no room in the car. And getting 85 degree weather and a whole lot of sun when you know it's raining on the poor city-folk!

Observations From The Riffraff Room

It seems like models only have two approaches to eating in public. The first approach is to eat a lot and be all, "sorry, this is the way I am. I burn calories naturally, like when I put my shoes on and brush my hair."

The other approach is to eat like a bird, elicit concerned comments from people around you and then shrug them off with a, "sorry, my stomach is the size of a watch pocket on an XS pair of jeans made in Europe."

Oh all right, that was a bit harsh. Let me start from the beginning.

Last weekend I helped my Uncle out with his bridal gown fashion show for charity. By the way, an event of this kind is just a normal occurence in our culture. An outsider might step into one of these events and think they've entered a circus where someone's always trying to comandeer the microphone with songs by Tom Jones and no one will order a drink unless they've made sure it's inclusive of their ticket, oh, and where someone is guaranteed to wear metallic leggings and cirque du face make-up. But for us, well, maybe just for me, I both love it and hate it. It has a unique charm, like fish sauce with chilies.

Anyway, what I overheard or observed as I pulled on zippers and tied halter straps and spent some time with recent graduates of the Don Jobert Showers Online Modeling School who were actually quite nice, were:

Wait, a minute. This just in. Don Jobert Showers is not a click-to-print-diploma kind of institution. It is in fact an actual school.

Let's continue:

1. "I don't look good in a bathing suit." First of all, don't ask me why there were bathing suits on a bridal gown fashion show. Second, I'll show them what not looking good in a bathing suit is. Some of those kids may have had few encounters with saggy bits and batwings and blubber and stretch marked asses but I have. I enjoy cruises and whale watching is practically a required activity when on deck... I'm just kidding. Really, I am (and I do not want to end up in hell).

2. "I don't put dressing on my salad." Right. I wish you did. Us women, we know, the years to come will offer plenty of opportunities to cut calories and wish for a hacksaw to trim muffin tops and bread backs but while you're really young and your body is naturally slim? Take advantage. Eat a donut. Or two.

3. Cheesy 80s poses are still in in some places. By order of the fashion show producer, all models must stop and execute one of the following poses - Flamingo in Repose, Please Buy My Wares or, Be Still My Heart. Optional poses are as follows, Beheaded Broken Doll, Were You Looking at My Butt, and Fractured Pelvis with Sprained Ankle.

4. The food backstage must be rescued by staff, like me. Seriously, are we letting that loaf of pound cake go to waste?

5. Let's have some French and Saunders, shall we?

This One's Still About the Block Party

Here's a brief look back/ fashion guide to this year's Capitol Hill Block Party. If you were there then chances are you saw these clothing items or accessories.



Right. I don't why but I've just never understood this. I guess it's always exciting to see a muffin top at an unexpected body part. The hair is a good one. Besides, nothing says, I had a busy weekend, more than a tan line... on your forehead.

The shorts with boots look was another popular one at the Block Party. I've seen maybe a few pictures of people who could pull it off, people with legs up to their necks. Just kidding, that would look strange. Can you imagine? Head, neck then legs!Maybe if you were in some music festival held in a vast expanse of land with grassy knolls and lots of mud this would be advisable. But on concrete? On a hot summer day? Oh well, what do I know? I suppose there's no better moisturizer for your calves and feet than all-natural, organic sweat.

For men there was this:

All right, I exaggerate. Their backpacks were not this big. You'd think they would avoid bringing anything. Take a cue from the guy who stood beside me. At least he made his mini bottles of alcohol fit into his pockets. Or maybe they had the right idea all along. I suppose, there's nothing like taking up as much personal space as you can at GA-only shows, right?

You Blink When You Lie: The Dead Weather at Capitol Hill Block Party, July 25, 2010

First impression: wow, Jack White is literally white. That man is pale. Actually all of Dead Weather are pale with eternal black hair. Their music, however, was not pale. It was loud and dirty and like Alison Mosshart sings, it will make you, shake your hips like battleships. Or, in the case of that mustachioed dude in black, blow smoke in people's faces and scatter cigarette ash everywhere.

This gave me an idea. From this point forward I will start a game (with no one else competing except me - super fun) and just insert as many Dead Weather song lyrics and titles in this post.

The Dead Weather killed it last night. I think I just died by the drop (see what I did there). They can M-A-N-I-P-U-late their audience into acting crazy like throwing flour tortillas around and crowd surfing with only one shoe. When you hear Jack pound those drums you'll want to hustle and cuss. They play the kind of music that begs to be listened to in dark, dingy places where they give you whiskey in cloudy glasses. Hearing Treat Me Like Your Mother, live was insane! Look at me now, I'm mad. HA HA! And I don't mean to judge but why would you bring children to this show, and then put them on your shoulders so that your family looks about 60 feet tall and no one can see behind you?

Well, that game got old fast.

I wonder if Jack's wife, Karen Elson ever gets worried. There is so much chemistry between Alison and Jack. It's like the air around them is just snapping and crackling and about to pop (aay... that was bad). Here's a picture of them using the same mic with their faces so close to each other.

I'm really inspired by Alison's badass-ness. Watching her makes me want to backcomb the sides of my hair and get a lot of volume in there. Think about it, the wider the hair, the skinnier the body looks, right? That's an instant five pounds off. No really, I want to be a badass like her. I'm going to start by just kicking my pet... my pet rock, to the curb. Yeah, you leech, I've had enough of you. Go chip a windshield somewhere. And you know what else? I'm going to start wearing shoes on my carpet. How does that feel, you spoiled brat? Shoe on your face, bitch! And that neighbor with the loud mouth? I'm going to write her a note that says, keep it down, please. Thank you. But I'm writing it on the back of a used sheet of paper. How badass is that? Isn't that just nasty? Answer me! AM I A BADASS NOW?

* first two photos by I.P.

Dreams, Drinks, Diorama

Attended a very happy birthday party for my cousin-in-law over the weekend, hence the mirror-repelling, alcohol-induced eyebags. Great. People who are celebrating their birthdays are always creative when it comes to reasons for taking shots or pouring drinks. The permutations are endless, "ladies!" Followed by, "boys only!" And then, "everyone, holla!" Next is, "people with black hair," after that, "everyone under 33 years of age!" There's also, "people who like food," and, "people with legs." And before you know it you're feeling fur on your tongue and you're in trouble. Thankfully, the most trouble we get in these days is falling asleep with our shoes on while sitting on a chair.

Watched Inception last Friday. It was a beast of a movie. A barreling yet elegant beast with a jarring musical score to accompany it. I may want to watch it again and again. I watched it with my aunt who enjoyed the movie immensely. And by enjoy immensely, I mean almost jump out of her seat at the IMAX intro, lovingly hand me the cheesiest nacho chips, grab my wrist with her strong grip, yelp at exciting scenes which turned out to be every other minute as the whole movie was an exercise in exciting its audience. So, you there, yes, you. Go, already! Watch Inception, now!



We also checked out that swanky building in Bellevue called Bravern. While the mall was crawling with people, Bravern looked like a diorama. Although we did spot some sales people attending to ah, older ladies who were moving their walkers aside to try on some Chanel shoes at Neiman Marcus.

And since we're jumping topics every paragraph, I watched The Young Victoria on dvd last night. What a love story! I was a sniveling pile of snot and tears by the end of it. Emily Blunt is so talented, Rupert Friend too. Plus, he's really good looking. I put in another dvd called, The Eclipse, afterwards. It's a ghost story set in Ireland. Anyway, I ended up turning it off after about 10 minutes. No particular reason. I didn't get scared by that one scene, not at all. I just, um, yeah yeah, my butt started to hurt from sitting on the couch for too long and it was also really late.

That's all.




Well, hello there, Tom Hardy.

Question Authority Think For Yourself: A Tool Concert/ Audience Review (Key Arena, 07/10/10)

Wow. Just wow. Also, cough and, AAAck my eyes!

It was my first Tool concert and I have never seen anything like it. The laser lights, the visuals, the fog and most of all, the band! They sounded so good. I don't know if Key Arena, the space itself, had anything to do with it but the sound was excellent. It was loud enough that you could sing along and not annoy your neighbors but not too loud to give you a case of 36-hour-tinnitus.

It was close to 8pm when we got to our seats. And already, this shirtless blond guy who I now think of fondly as, well, kind of the mascot for our section of seats, kept standing, throwing his hands up and going, F**K YEAH repeatedly.

A band called Rajas opened for Tool. I was sitting in a state of sushi-digestion (shout out to Sushiland, holler) and excitement so I am ashamed to admit that I only partially absorbed their playing which sounded heavy, with a touch of far eastern influences and wow, the guitarist/singer can really throw his body around. Fast forward. We're Rajas. Lights go down. Lab coats out. Danny's drums unveiled. More fast forward. The mascot strikes again, crowd goes wild along with him. And then bam! The question authority, think for yourself video starts and everyone screams.




On a side note, I am so impressed with how punctual and prompt the whole production was. Rajas started at exactly 8 and Tool was onstage by 9, on the dot. Also, at least in our section, camera phones weren't really a problem, probably because security was busy with ah, certain people smoking certain somethings. Whatever, do what you want but why risk getting kicked out of a show you probably have been waiting for and paid good money for?

And this next paragraph is dedicated to the group in the row in front of us. Hey, that dance you guys were doing, part sign language with the arms and part martial arts, that was pretty amusing. And eventually, your energy was infectious. But the part where your lady friend flashed her boobs? No. Just, no.

The threat of eye disease from said flasher was just a tiny blip because the whole concert was so overwhelmingly good. It was a blast singing, I'll keep digging/ 'til I feel something, with an arena full of people. The dueling drums between a grinning Danny Carey and the Rajas drummer during Lateralus (GONG HIT!) was one of the higlights. And Maynard's dancing/unexplainable movements outlined against the video screens was kind of mesmerizing. It was also very nice to see the fairly lengthy acknowledgment that Adam, Justin and Danny gave the audience at the end of the show (Maynard did give a big wave before leaving the stage).

The shouting and crazy energy spilled out onto the exits. Hey, even the Seattle Center buskers were still at their instruments. One guy with his guitar was like, yeah, this song I'm playing is early Tool. More screaming at the crosswalks and at the McDonald's across the street. All in all, I rate this concert with two thumbs up, all my toes pointed, 12 plates at Sushiland, a 2-cheeseburger meal and a hot fudge sundae. SPIRAL OOOOUUUUTTTT!!!!

* photo by IP

Nature's Finest

Went camping with the family and family friends this Fourth of July weekend. I'm not an outdoorsy or athletic person but camping can be fun, in increments, preferably no more than once a year.

It was quite a challenge. OH MY GOD. One of our neighbors is yapping as I type. Why are there graduates from the School of Speaking with an Audience everywhere? I don't want to hear about your life. I don't want to hear about your boyfriend bailing on you. I don't want to hear that he gave you a backpack for your anniversary. In fact, if I were you I would keep that information to myself. Anniversary present? BACKPACK?!? Did you get a Trapper Keeper on your birthday? A set of 5 logbooks on Christmas. A pencil case for Valentine's?!?

Okay. I have now calmed down. So... camping trip. Eating was my activity of choice, which again, was a challenge. The campsite had no running water and thanks to this weekend, I now know that a vault toilet, is basically a port-a-potty with concrete walls. I gave my digestive system a pep talk to please hold the BM until I get back home. It did. However (gross alert), I did unleash some mighty fumes... within the confines of our lovely, watertight tent. Forgive. Please.

Our biggest adventure sent most of us scrambling for higher ground and screaming. One of the tents in our group had a snake inside! A snake! My Dad whacked it with an umbrella and threw it in the lake. It was slim and probably a little over a foot long. And it opened a gateway into a fairly long discussion on snake stories and myths. Have you heard the one about the snake whose eyes retain the image of its human killer? That's right. Its family will then memorize this image and will act all snake-like and go after the killer and all the members of his or her family.




Our group had a number of kids with the oldest at, say, 12. And they went nuts. Hiking, mucking around on the inflatable boat just going in circles, playing charades and bamboozling the adults to pay them upwards of $5. You know you're starting to get old when you no longer jump on the, let's be the last to sleep bandwagon. Except, I'm not really getting old because technically I didn't get any sleep on the two nights we camped. Therefore, that alone makes me young, by default. Sort of. Kind of? Right?

Waka Waka

Did you get a glimpse of the USA vs. Ghana football match earlier today? Very exciting. I was glued to the couch. Okay, just kidding. I was watching but I had my laptop on, my notebook open, a pen in my hand, and a succession of coffees fetched by my pet monkey, Monoloco Von Wakawaka. Just kidding, again! Gotcha! The point is, I was multi-tasking but I wasn't completely ignoring the game. I kept my ear open for the commentators. You can tell it might get exciting when their tone of voice starts rising. And that was my cue to look up at the TV screen.

On a side note, what is up with those players who get hurt and are curled up on the grass then get taken away on a stretcher only to hop off the stretcher and get back in the game?!

What I did watch, seriously watch, were the matches with Spain involved. I can't help it. Have you seen Fernando Torres? Blond hair, dark hair, long, short, it doesn't matter. He hasn't been very helpful but I give him one million points for looks!



Also, a big shout out to Jesus Navas. For you, 900,000 points!



Iker Casillas is also cute but as the Brits would say, he looks kind of peaked. I'll stop now. Anyway, their upcoming match against Portugal should be very exciting.

If only Univision had really good quality HD I would watch their channel instead. There's nothing like excitable, Spanish-speaking commentators to enhance your World Cup experience.

The Girl With The Most Cake

I watched VH1's Behind the Music featuring Courtney Love. She is something else. I must admit, I kind of admire her. That woman is made of stern stuff. And even if I'm not really a Hole fan I could listen to Doll Parts and Violet over and over. No, really. He only loves those things because he loves to see them break/ I fake it so real I am beyond fake. Or, when they get what they want, they never want it again/ go on take everything, take everything I want you to. I think that's some great songwriting. Try it. Just those two songs, a few listens each and get a free exercise in swinging between feeling like a steaming pile of shit, to feeling like screaming along with her when she sings, I want to give my violet more violence.

I had no idea Courtney's childhood was a kind of hell - divorced parents, foster homes, juvenile delinquency. And of course everyone knows what came later... stripping at Jumbo's Clown Room. Also, I didn't know she was so tall. They say she's almost 5'11".




I didn't know it then because I was too young to get the references. But when baby doll dresses were everywhere? That was Courtney in the early 90s. She had the red, red lips and kohl-lined eyes, the barrette that dangled from a few strands of her hair, the cute mary janes.

For me, the best parts of the VH1 special were the home video footage of Courtney, Kurt Cobain and Frances Bean when she was a baby. I know it feels kind of intrusive watching those videos but you can tell that Frances Bean was really loved. There's also this bit where Courtney admitted to feeling hurt during the time everyone was picking on her. She has some insightful comments about Trent Reznor and his band. Oh, and there's that part where she said Axl Rose and Kurt Cobain had the best noses in rock (she's all about mating for a nose) and since she wasn't going to get Axl... well, we all know what happened next.