In a Ranting Mood

First of all, we've run out of half-and-half. There's not a renegade can of condensed milk or evaporated milk in the pantry, although, there's a surplus of Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup which, IS USELESS FOR MY COFFEE. So I am typing this with nonfat, powdered milk IN MY COFFEE.

I have now put myself in a ranting mood where every single moment I was affronted, in the past or present, starts to bubble up and take shape in my mind. So, I would just like to say to that woman who thought it was appropriate to feel sad for me when I happily cut my hair short, hey, hey lady, those clogs aren't working for ya!

Yeah, so that was several years ago, so what? Haven't you ever had a negative comment niggle in your brain for a long time?

Well, it's about to get worse, here's something from my younger years when I was but a wee lassie in my school uniform. Recess was in the classroom because it was raining and as I chewed on my peanut butter sandwich, I turned to my classmate and shared an innocent observation with her. I said, isn't it a bit strange how our teacher has a banana for recess every single day? Like a monkey?

You know what happened? My classmate, let's call her Loose Lips, raises her hand and tells Ms. Banana what I told her. I had to stand up and get a verbal flogging for what Ms. Banana Peel thought was a hurtful comment. I didn't say Ms. Rotten Banana looked like a monkey. I just said Ms. Maggot-y Rotten Banana likes bananas like monkeys do!

And how about those people who tell you things you already know? Like, oh, you want to write, just submit your work, just get it out there. Or, just keep sending your resume, just keep going. Oh yeah? Guess what? I already know that. I've done that. Go brush your hair and leave me alone. Word of advice for those who are fond of giving advice, usually, the person you're talking to is already aware of the situation she's in. If anyone is more aware of what is happening, it is usually that person that you are talking to.

Here's a good one. So obviously, I was erm, in between jobs for a while. All right, for quite a long while. I attended a class with my peeps, my fellow unemployed peeps and we had a few minutes to chat with each other. And the woman I sat next to, although she did it in a friendly way, started to give a talk about what I should do to jumpstart my career. I mean, she really got into it, like she was an employment counselor and I was in desperate need of her expert advice. In my mind I went, ZOMG, WTF, STFU, did you forget you were unemployed too?

Here's something that raised my hackles this morning:

IS THAT YOUR SHIRT PEEKING FROM UNDER YOUR SKIRT? Isn't it bad enough that the summer brought us cut-off shorts that were so short the pockets were showing? Now you want to bring fame to exposed shirt hems?

AACK! I can still feel my forehead vein throbbing! So before you judge me with a, why so angry? Let it go, for crying out loud. Just think, anger can be useful. Look at me, my anger is making me burn calories because I'm pounding on my keyboard with so much force. And look,I'm about to defrost some frozen bananas to make some banana bread which, is damn tasty, if I may say so myself! And hey what's this? It's an oversized shirt. I think I'm going to steam away its wrinkles now. and then I'm going to go around the neighborhood, push people's front doors open and be Liz Taylor-like in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and say, WHAT A DUMP!

Goodbye and thank you very much.