We Dance to the Beat (And We Don't Stop): Robyn at the Paramount

Before we begin, a brief public service announcement:



If you have seen this girl, please tell her the concert is over. She may now stop forcing her body parts on the backs of people. Help her find her way home.

That's all, thank you. Moving on...

My sister, who is a solid gold platinum titanium Robyn fan was not going to miss this show. She already missed her chance at Robyn playing Neumos last year so this was it. We happy hour-ed at Palominos to build and save our foot energy for what we were expecting to be a crazy night...

Which started in line outside the Paramount Theatre on a chilly Thursday in October, no rain, thankfully. We saw all sorts of Robyn-like platinum hair, a lot of tank tops and gooseflesh, sequins, feather vests, extremely good-looking gay men, usually with their equally attractive boyfriends, parents with minor children trying to buy tickets off of others - Daddy, Daddy you better find me a ticket!!! YOU BETTER FIND ME A TICKET OR I'M GOING TO RUN IN FRONT OF A CAR. And the random suspicious-looking person carrying a big backpack.



This is when everything moves in slow motion. Time check: 6:00pm. One hour till doors open. Contemplate work outfit for following day. Debate peeing at Paramount Hotel or Barnes & Noble. Eavesdrop on girl and boy behind you talking about reversible jacket design and halloween costumes. Time check: 6:04pm.

I will spare you the boring details about our wait, except the bit where I chickened out of using the restroom at the Paramount Hotel because I so obviously looked like I just walked in off the street and wasn't a guest. I ended up at Barnes instead.

Doors open, we head to the floor, where security people tell everyone to stay off the carpeted aisle and please sit on the floor. By the way, I've never seen such chatty, smiley security staff. They were talking to us! Weird. And we know how this part goes: more waiting. We don't really want to know about the Swedish girl behind us who went to a psychic and told her her sometime love interest will have a series of short relationships, but we had no choice.

Finally. Finally lights dim. The opener, Yacht comes out. More crazy. They had these dancers, one portly boy wearing a shirt that says Girl, and one blond girl wearing a Boy shirt. I am waiting for the opportunity to steal some of Girl's moves. They were brilliant. The band was a lot of fun, they sounded like a group you'd hear in Saturday Night Live's Deep House Dish. They also had the funniest line which they kept repeating between songs, If you have any questions, any questions at all...

So, Yacht got the crowd dancing and everyone's pumped up, and their set ends, and we're back to waiting for Robyn. But not for long. Her band comes out. The music starts and there she is!!! Bowl cut, glow-in-the-dark leggings, mega flatforms, my-belt-is-killing-me, and all!



ZOMG. Robyn was fantastic. Even the crazy girl who tried to hump every single one of us on the second and first rows to get to the rail couldn't put a damper on our evening. Thanks, by the way, to the cute gay couple who told her, you need to stay where you're at. Except, all they got in response was a glazed look from the Robyn-crazed crazy ass lipstick girl. The best part was when she just gave up her humping and left. Hey lipstick girl, U SHOULD KNOW BETTER not to fuck with the fans who waited in line before you!

Robyn was just an energizer bunny. It must have been the banana she ate while doing a back bend onstage! All those dance moves, the spinning, the chest pumps, the grinding, and gorilla arms. She was everything! And the crowd was with her all the way - fist pumping Indestructible's this is hardcore, screaming every word to Call your Girlfriend, body rolling along to None of Dem, waving our arms to Dancing Queen/Show Me Love.



Everyone was singing along. Who cares if you were singing Hang With Me's lyrics wrong? So what if it was, just don't fall headlessly, recklessly in love with me, and not stone cold, helplessly, recklessly... No one! No one cares! Sing whatever you want! No one cares, right? I mean, my lips were still forming kind of similar words, right?

It was an amazing concert. Robyn was an amazing performer. Someone get a DeLorean and let's do it again!



All photos by IP

Las Vegas Style Guide: Classy Stripper Edition

Hello Classy Ladies! After a trip to Vegas with my fellow bridesmaids/cousins and our bride, I have returned with a few tips and tricks to looking faboosh on your Vegas trip.

The Way There

Let's start with your inflight outfit. Thizzizit, right?!?!? WRONG. Your flight is your last chance to be a semi-slob and relax your stomach muscles before the trip proper. You know you'll be sucking your gut in for all your one-size-too-small dresses. So heed my advice: keep it loose. And as for what might have been the look of judgment from the flight attendant when you and your girls ordered a cocktail on your 8am flight? Let it go, they don't care. They've seen worse.

Slide-Proof Legwear

As you usher the bride to Excalibur, home of Thunder Down Under, after she specifically said: NO MALE DANCERS, keep it cool. Keep her cool. Because you're not going to see any Thundering from Down Undering this afternoon. You are actually going to Night School 4 Girls. Cue the music! Let's hear a little Pour Some Sugar On Me!

A few things: if you want to be challenged, go ahead and wear your lucite heels at the burlesque/pole dancing class. Shorts might be a good idea. The flesh on your thighs will help grip the pole. Now there are two approaches here. A. Go ahead and laugh, embarrass yourself, get goofy. B. This is serious. I'm in competition. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm an actual stripper. Yes. I am talking to you, girl in the vest and shorts. What have you been doing in your free time and did you say you have another job on the side?

Walk It Or Cab It, Your Choice

If you are walking it, your choice was wrong. Your hotel looked near, but it wasn't. Now, if you've already committed to walking, after buying your pre-funk alcohol and snacks, I hope you are wearing something pretty. Now is the time to be adventurous. That thing that calls itself a romper? Now is the time to try it on. A strapless little something? Do it. Nude and a pair of Toms? Go for it! Who cares? No one, because everyone is already looking at the umm, older woman in a bathing suit top with her c-section scar hanging out.

I say keep it pretty because you never know when a club promoter will come your way (shout-out to Chad, aka Brad, aka Zach). He will put you on the guest list, get you in quick, and get you free drinks. It seems dubious but it's legit. I mean, just as long as the guy doesn't say, yo ladies, Imma get you on the guest list to the hottest club in town: Kidnappinz and Murderz Lounge.



Dinner is Served

Oy, slowpokes, everything may be open late in Vegas but most restaurant kitchens still close at 11pm. Hypothetical situation: you and the girls lost track of time thanks to endless drinks (from your pre-funk Walgreens/CVS liquor run), spinach dip, chips, pretzels, penis candies (whaaat), panty gift-giving, and all sorts of activities at your swanky suite. It's 10:30pm and you've all just finished getting dressed/made/prettied up and no restaurant will take you in.

So what?!? There's a place at your hotel that's still open, surely the servers will appreciate your fancy duds. And if it's 1am and you just finished dinner? No big deal. Go back to your suite, set down your take-home boxes. Rest your eyeballs for a second. Or two. Or, ah, don't wake up till morning... So, um, yeah, umm if that happens, you know, just in case, just sayin', no one says it actually happened, this is not real, I'm making it up.

Battle Buffet
Two words: Elastic waistband. Two more words: Chunky jewelry... Four Words: Distracts from big belly. Four More Words: Go for the proteins. Six Words: Fear not, take a mid-buffet dump.

Poolside

Aside from your swimsuit, don't forget to bring a roomy canvas bag. Your bag is your best friend. How else are you going to go on the cheap and bring your own cocktails to the pool. I mean, there's a reason why the pool check-in guy has a stack of platic cups at his station.

To the Club

For your night out, again this is the time to be adventurous. Go for something outrageous. It's your chance to let loose and not be seen by people from where you live. Or, go for the Vegas norm of tight-and-short. Or keep it classy in a revealing yet tailored look. What you shouldn't do is recycle a bridesmaid's dress. Lady, hey lady, come on?! I can tell. Black and white. Floral applique. Knee-length. You're not fooling anyone.

Well, that about wraps up this Style Guide. Toodles, Classy Ladies! Stay fabulous!