Waka Waka

Did you get a glimpse of the USA vs. Ghana football match earlier today? Very exciting. I was glued to the couch. Okay, just kidding. I was watching but I had my laptop on, my notebook open, a pen in my hand, and a succession of coffees fetched by my pet monkey, Monoloco Von Wakawaka. Just kidding, again! Gotcha! The point is, I was multi-tasking but I wasn't completely ignoring the game. I kept my ear open for the commentators. You can tell it might get exciting when their tone of voice starts rising. And that was my cue to look up at the TV screen.

On a side note, what is up with those players who get hurt and are curled up on the grass then get taken away on a stretcher only to hop off the stretcher and get back in the game?!

What I did watch, seriously watch, were the matches with Spain involved. I can't help it. Have you seen Fernando Torres? Blond hair, dark hair, long, short, it doesn't matter. He hasn't been very helpful but I give him one million points for looks!



Also, a big shout out to Jesus Navas. For you, 900,000 points!



Iker Casillas is also cute but as the Brits would say, he looks kind of peaked. I'll stop now. Anyway, their upcoming match against Portugal should be very exciting.

If only Univision had really good quality HD I would watch their channel instead. There's nothing like excitable, Spanish-speaking commentators to enhance your World Cup experience.

The Girl With The Most Cake

I watched VH1's Behind the Music featuring Courtney Love. She is something else. I must admit, I kind of admire her. That woman is made of stern stuff. And even if I'm not really a Hole fan I could listen to Doll Parts and Violet over and over. No, really. He only loves those things because he loves to see them break/ I fake it so real I am beyond fake. Or, when they get what they want, they never want it again/ go on take everything, take everything I want you to. I think that's some great songwriting. Try it. Just those two songs, a few listens each and get a free exercise in swinging between feeling like a steaming pile of shit, to feeling like screaming along with her when she sings, I want to give my violet more violence.

I had no idea Courtney's childhood was a kind of hell - divorced parents, foster homes, juvenile delinquency. And of course everyone knows what came later... stripping at Jumbo's Clown Room. Also, I didn't know she was so tall. They say she's almost 5'11".




I didn't know it then because I was too young to get the references. But when baby doll dresses were everywhere? That was Courtney in the early 90s. She had the red, red lips and kohl-lined eyes, the barrette that dangled from a few strands of her hair, the cute mary janes.

For me, the best parts of the VH1 special were the home video footage of Courtney, Kurt Cobain and Frances Bean when she was a baby. I know it feels kind of intrusive watching those videos but you can tell that Frances Bean was really loved. There's also this bit where Courtney admitted to feeling hurt during the time everyone was picking on her. She has some insightful comments about Trent Reznor and his band. Oh, and there's that part where she said Axl Rose and Kurt Cobain had the best noses in rock (she's all about mating for a nose) and since she wasn't going to get Axl... well, we all know what happened next.

Make A Muscle

Don't judge but for a long time I held on to my gym membership without actually going to the gym. I kept that little ID with the rest of my keys. I paid that fee every month. I kept telling myself I will go, tomorrow and tomorrow. And you know what happened 'tomorrow?' I reasoned that getting an extra hour or two of sleep was just as important as a workout. According to recent studies, people who sleep less, gain weight more. And to borrow a line from SNL's Seth Meyers, a research study conducted by the University of My Eyeballs also concludes that the strained stitches on my jeans were most likely brought on by the same brilliant reasoning.

I have now canceled that membership that, by the way, was whittling away at my bank account. Why not take advantage of what's available and accessible? We have cable and internet. On Demand has a whole section for Fitness. Youtube has parts 1-10 of whatever your fitness dvd of choice is. And yeah, all right, apologies to whoever might have peeked at my window and saw me butchering the New York Ballet Workout. That's why one should never look into windows, they're a gateway to eye disease.

Truly, there is something for everybody. There's the trainer who's forced to work alongside a starlet who looks like her pelvic bones might shatter after a few more squats. There's the cheerleader with a smile that endures through roll ups and leg lifts. Or if you prefer tough love you'll find the screamer with neck veins and a small head telling you that, yes, it should burn.

Here's Lauren Cooper at the gym. She's always above it.

For Future Reference

The other week, an old friend from back in high school was able to come see me in Seattle. For future reference, if a friend who works in a cruise ship visits you, please don't take her to the waterfront. Doesn't matter if it's a nice restaurant or a must-see spot, or if she's too polite to say, "oy, can we go inland?" The girl is in a ship floating in the ocean for months and she's probably in the mood for some stable, solid ground to rest her feet.

Also, by future reference, I mean future reference for me. Of course we had a lovely time catching up, even if it was compressed in about a two hour lunch at Pier 54 but, you know, just a thought, maybe I should have taken her farther away from the water.

Last Saturday, my sister and I watched Splice. It was weird and intriguing and really engages you. And there are very relevant, ethical questions that the movie asks. I don't think I've seen anything like it before.

On the way to the movie theatre, we had the usual Seattle bus-riding characters. On the one hand, Ms. Elocution, a recent graduate of the School of Speaking with an Audience. Her props? A cell phone. Her Script? A dialogue with a friend, filled with her deep observations about the guy she had a date with who is French but with a German surname and a host of other subjects no one else in the bus wants to hear.

On the other hand, Ms. or Mr. Silence Will Kill Me. No props, just the character. Just a desire to fill the bus with her random chitchat with strangers who are looking away because everyone knows eye contact only provokes this character to talk more. About what? You might ask. Here is a real-life example, "you know when you get on the bus and a fat guy is sitting there with their backpack beside them and you're like thanks a lot and anyway no one will fit next to you (pause). What's so funny? I want to know what you and you are laughing at. I know I'm fat too (pause). People are entertaining. Behaviors are entertaining. This is my stop."

Posing Lecture No. 2

The following post is brought to you by, The Starlets' School of Posing. This is a transcript of Professor Mary Lara "Billy" Menounos Hart-Spencer on a lecture proceeding the CFDA Awards.

"Good Morning, ladies. How are you today? I feel fantastic, thank you. I was able to pass by the Curves Gym for females only and did some crutches. Ay. Crunches, I mean. It is my accent. Forgive.

All right today we take a look at some wonderful photographs from CFDA Awards. These photos will illustrate the poses I want to discuss with you today. First is this Dakota Fanning:





Yes! This is what I'm talking about. Of course she has the Permanent Hand on Waist but she maximizes the effect by crossing her thighs. I looove this pose, ladies. You know why? Because this isoceles triangle between her calves is like a vortex that sucks out leg fat. I get excited by this! What do you think the jealous fashion critics might be saying to themselves when they look at Ms. Fanning? Go on, take a guess...

(Transcriptionist's note: student in back of lecture hall says something unintelligible, Professor Billy responds.)

WHAAT? How dare you, young lady! The jealous critics are not saying 'do you need to peepee in your panty?!' Your stupidity is offensive. Time out for you!

Let us move on. Ladies, what do Tyra Banks and me have in common? Correct. We both want to see the neck! Starlets with no neck are no starlets at all. The neck is a graceful slope. We must draw attention to it at all times. Take a look at Ms. Irina Lazareanu!





Genius! What better way to say to your public, 'look at my neck,' than to wear a NECK BELT?

(Transcriptionist's note: a student approaches Professor Billy and they have a private discussion.)

Aaay. No. I am broken. Your classmate has just informed me that the reason for the neck belt is a serious, serious matter. Let's hold hands, ladies. Ms. Lazareanu has what is called, Body Part Displacement Disorder.

That's right. She does actually have her waist on her neck. The belt covers the navel. Woe is me!

I am shy to talk about next photo. You will all say I have a favorite. But I couldn't resist! Presenting, Ms. Dree Hemingway!





She is doing what few starlets have attempted, that is the Religious Conviction Pose. Ms. Hemingway is to be admired by all of you. Her beliefs are important to her which is why instead of wearing that string on her wrist like other followers of Kabbalah, she is wearing it on her forehead!

Learn from her, young ladies, convictions, principles are what truly matter. Not blood flow to the brain or avoiding mushroom formation of hair or being comfortable. Gangrene of the forehead? Ay! Believe me, that is nothing!"

(End of lecture.)

Pas de What?

If there's ever an example of great layering, it would be how ballet dancers do it. I recently watched Suzanne Farrell: Elusive Muse and Etoiles: Dancers of the Paris Opera Ballet and I adore all the snippets of dancers rehearsing. They have their footless tights over their leotards or a pair of leg warmers carelessly put on. They might have ratty sweatpants with rolled waists while rehearsing La Syphilis.

Uh, sorry. I meant Sylphide. La Sylphide. Whatever they have on, however haphazardly they wore it, they just look right. No wonder designers are often inspired by them.





It probably has to do with their bodies and how they move. Talk about a contradiction. Those dancers, most of them are all bone and sinew but they are obviously strong. On a side note, those female Paris Opera Ballet dancers have really pleasant faces. Not that their male counterparts are unpleasant. It's just, eh, isn't it a bit uncomfortable to watch men in tights? How do they feel when they have to wear them? Is there a compartment of some sort built into the tights? Would it make a big difference in their dancing if they wore slim pants instead? For all his genius, was George Balanchine a cruel man? What do Alessandra Ferri's bare feet look like? Will one orange tictac make the brilliant Diana Vishneva full? Are you annoyed when you see "dancers" whose hands look like they glued their middle finger and thumb together? Don't you think this video below is LOLololz funny?

Kick Out The Jams

Have you ever lived next to, not one, but a group of struggling musicians? We seem to have a curse. First it was the young songbird whose only dream is to appear on a musical. A musical called Rent II: Keeping The Neighbors Awake. That was bad luck to the maximum! Our apartment building had thin walls and young songbird was relentless in her pursuit. Not only that, but the neighbor across from our unit had a habit of teaching his son the multiplication table, military style. I promise you, that child can't have been older than three.

And on to our present neighbors. I'm not sure if there's more than one actual resident. The door is open at almost all hours. A pity really, since shutting the door reduces the noise level considerably. But no. No, no. They want everyone to hear their jams. Their poo jams. Jams that curdle in your brain like milk gone bad. Jams with back-up vocals and full-on banging drums. Oh well. Who knows? Those clowns might be famous one day. But until then, is it too much to ask to shut your front door and keep it down a notch?!

Seriously, I almost miss that old neighbor we had. Yeah. The one who lost it for a while and started chasing people with a cleaver. At least she kept her voice down.

I Vant To Drrink Your Bloood

Watched Daybreakers on dvd the other night. I must say, I really like the whole concept behind the movie. It's set in the near future and vampires now make up most of the world's population. Only five percent of humans are left and they are hunted down for their blood.

I like how vampires are just trying to get back to normal. They take the subway or drive their cars. They have homes. They get their lattes in the morning. I thought that was a novel idea.

So I wondered, what would random, everyday things look like in the Daybreakers environment? How about a shampoo ad in a magazine?





A semi-arranged paparazzi shot on a tabloid?





The Food Channel? Hey, it's Giada de Plasma making Platelet Vichyssoise!