Shopping (Mis)guide

Have you heard? Style.com says Collegiate Cool is on trend this Fall. They recommend we get a pair of loafers along with a plaid skirt. The skirt should be easy, any novelty store that sells Halloween costumes should have it. Just look for the Slutty Schoolgirl label.

Oh, look! It's Kelly Bensimon in a plaid skirt. Isn't she from the show called Real Housewives of New York ? I have never watched that show and that's why I don't know that Kelly thinks Bethenny is a cook and not a chef and that gummi bears are fun.

The cape is also making a come back. Don't get a red cape because that is so passe. I would stick with green, it'll be so appropriate when all the Green So-and-so superhero movies come out.



Hold on a minute. The Green Hornet and Green Lantern do not wear capes? Well, there goes my joke.

What else? Ah. Shoulder bags like what our mothers had. Or, if you're like my Mom, still has in her closet (nicely cloth-wrapped, with loose change in the inside pockets).

That's British DJ Fearne Cotton with a Mulberry Neely Messenger. I am not kidding this time but, I really like that bag. In my daydreams I actually bought one and I'm carrying it right now while reaching inside to pull out a custom made handgun because someone is following me and I am an international spy.

Back to the shopping list. Those sweatshirts with the logo that looks like a school's seal? Buy it. A boyish blazer will also come in handy, make sure to look at the tag where it says the blazer comes with B.O. and a puberty mustache, because God knows, that's the only way to get a real boyish one.

Other Fall/ Winter trends to watch out for are the return of Camel - as in the cigarette.

Oh, what? Right. Sorry. Camel as in the color is what I meant.

And there's more. Aviator jackets are already selling out so better get one immediately. The real value-for-money jackets come with a companion flight-attendant polo shirt.

Kitten heels are also back.

That would be a kitten heel on Nicole Kidman. Oh don't be rude. Stop staring at her forehead! Just get a pair of those heels and find some space in your closet for them, alongside your mouse flats, puppy platforms and piggy pumps and... you know I can keep going, right?

Finally, if you're a jewelry kind of lady, the piece to get is the oversized necklace. It's such a statement, especially when worn around an undersized neck.

Okay. That's that. XOXO! Enjoy shopping, dollfaces!

Quota Reached

I have officially reached my camping quota for the year. Yes, that is correct. The grand total for my camping endeavors this 2010 is... two. And with the weekend at gorgeous Lake Chelan behind me, I bid farewell to the following:

1. state park toilets and showers
2. dusty, grimy feet and footwear
3. charcoal briquets that take forever to get hot
4. rhetorical debates as to whether peeing at this very moment is necessary
which lead to:
5. flashlight-lit walks to item no. 1
6. dismantling tents
7. creepy mullet-haired drivers scouting campsites
8. "Monsters Inside Me" inspired fears (Thanks a lot Animal Planet)

Without naming any names or pointing any fingers, here are some words that were thrown around amongst us campers over the weekend:

"If I get cancer in a few years I'll know it's from your burnt chicken."
"Score my burp."
"Why won't anyone score my farts?"
"We need to perform an exorcism on your butt."
"What is the point of showering?"
"I brought my make-up."
"She wanted to bring curlers and a hair dryer."
"Let's tie our tent to the dock and pretend we have a boat."
"The six-year old in the next campsite might steal our liquor."
"KATOL!"

And before I sound like the whiniest most annoying camping-hater, I must say I will also miss camping. There's nothing quite like long meandering conversations around a bonfire with stars like you will never see in the city skies. Getting 'Smore-debris all over your clothes, sipping hot coffee in the morning while looking out at nature and not knowing what time it is and having an excuse to eat because we can't possibly bring all that food back because there's no room in the car. And getting 85 degree weather and a whole lot of sun when you know it's raining on the poor city-folk!

Observations From The Riffraff Room

It seems like models only have two approaches to eating in public. The first approach is to eat a lot and be all, "sorry, this is the way I am. I burn calories naturally, like when I put my shoes on and brush my hair."

The other approach is to eat like a bird, elicit concerned comments from people around you and then shrug them off with a, "sorry, my stomach is the size of a watch pocket on an XS pair of jeans made in Europe."

Oh all right, that was a bit harsh. Let me start from the beginning.

Last weekend I helped my Uncle out with his bridal gown fashion show for charity. By the way, an event of this kind is just a normal occurence in our culture. An outsider might step into one of these events and think they've entered a circus where someone's always trying to comandeer the microphone with songs by Tom Jones and no one will order a drink unless they've made sure it's inclusive of their ticket, oh, and where someone is guaranteed to wear metallic leggings and cirque du face make-up. But for us, well, maybe just for me, I both love it and hate it. It has a unique charm, like fish sauce with chilies.

Anyway, what I overheard or observed as I pulled on zippers and tied halter straps and spent some time with recent graduates of the Don Jobert Showers Online Modeling School who were actually quite nice, were:

Wait, a minute. This just in. Don Jobert Showers is not a click-to-print-diploma kind of institution. It is in fact an actual school.

Let's continue:

1. "I don't look good in a bathing suit." First of all, don't ask me why there were bathing suits on a bridal gown fashion show. Second, I'll show them what not looking good in a bathing suit is. Some of those kids may have had few encounters with saggy bits and batwings and blubber and stretch marked asses but I have. I enjoy cruises and whale watching is practically a required activity when on deck... I'm just kidding. Really, I am (and I do not want to end up in hell).

2. "I don't put dressing on my salad." Right. I wish you did. Us women, we know, the years to come will offer plenty of opportunities to cut calories and wish for a hacksaw to trim muffin tops and bread backs but while you're really young and your body is naturally slim? Take advantage. Eat a donut. Or two.

3. Cheesy 80s poses are still in in some places. By order of the fashion show producer, all models must stop and execute one of the following poses - Flamingo in Repose, Please Buy My Wares or, Be Still My Heart. Optional poses are as follows, Beheaded Broken Doll, Were You Looking at My Butt, and Fractured Pelvis with Sprained Ankle.

4. The food backstage must be rescued by staff, like me. Seriously, are we letting that loaf of pound cake go to waste?

5. Let's have some French and Saunders, shall we?