Observations From The Riffraff Room

It seems like models only have two approaches to eating in public. The first approach is to eat a lot and be all, "sorry, this is the way I am. I burn calories naturally, like when I put my shoes on and brush my hair."

The other approach is to eat like a bird, elicit concerned comments from people around you and then shrug them off with a, "sorry, my stomach is the size of a watch pocket on an XS pair of jeans made in Europe."

Oh all right, that was a bit harsh. Let me start from the beginning.

Last weekend I helped my Uncle out with his bridal gown fashion show for charity. By the way, an event of this kind is just a normal occurence in our culture. An outsider might step into one of these events and think they've entered a circus where someone's always trying to comandeer the microphone with songs by Tom Jones and no one will order a drink unless they've made sure it's inclusive of their ticket, oh, and where someone is guaranteed to wear metallic leggings and cirque du face make-up. But for us, well, maybe just for me, I both love it and hate it. It has a unique charm, like fish sauce with chilies.

Anyway, what I overheard or observed as I pulled on zippers and tied halter straps and spent some time with recent graduates of the Don Jobert Showers Online Modeling School who were actually quite nice, were:

Wait, a minute. This just in. Don Jobert Showers is not a click-to-print-diploma kind of institution. It is in fact an actual school.

Let's continue:

1. "I don't look good in a bathing suit." First of all, don't ask me why there were bathing suits on a bridal gown fashion show. Second, I'll show them what not looking good in a bathing suit is. Some of those kids may have had few encounters with saggy bits and batwings and blubber and stretch marked asses but I have. I enjoy cruises and whale watching is practically a required activity when on deck... I'm just kidding. Really, I am (and I do not want to end up in hell).

2. "I don't put dressing on my salad." Right. I wish you did. Us women, we know, the years to come will offer plenty of opportunities to cut calories and wish for a hacksaw to trim muffin tops and bread backs but while you're really young and your body is naturally slim? Take advantage. Eat a donut. Or two.

3. Cheesy 80s poses are still in in some places. By order of the fashion show producer, all models must stop and execute one of the following poses - Flamingo in Repose, Please Buy My Wares or, Be Still My Heart. Optional poses are as follows, Beheaded Broken Doll, Were You Looking at My Butt, and Fractured Pelvis with Sprained Ankle.

4. The food backstage must be rescued by staff, like me. Seriously, are we letting that loaf of pound cake go to waste?

5. Let's have some French and Saunders, shall we?