Posing Lecture No. 3

The following post is brought to you by, The Starlets' School of Posing. This is a transcript of Professor Mary Lara "Billy" Menounos Hart-Spencer's most recent lecture.

"Ladies. I'm back. Welcome me. This is a short lesson because I have an appointment for serious medical matter - varicose veins. Ay.

All right. What have we here? I will show you some pictures of the most primal, most savage, most raw posing and styling you have seen. You can learn much, ladies, if you open your mind to the wonders of the jungle! LOOK!





Yes! This Taylor Momsen, look at her. See the tilt of her head. The little mmph on her lips. Tell me, class, what strikes you about Miss Momsen? Yes, you there, go ahead.

YOU FOOL! I will not have fools in my class saying Taylor Momsen looks like the hookers in streets at night! Blasphemy! the answer I am looking for is that Taylor is an animal. She is a sensuous, intelligent panda. Yes! A panda! And that little pout? It is the method acting saying, I am panda, I want to go back to my home with the bamboo and my panda brothers and sisters.

This girl! She makes me weep because she is a genius.

Now we go to the hot, dark deep of the jungle. Where the hunters try but can never capture the creature called, THE LEOPARD! LOOK!





Again I want to weep! Ladies, look closely, what do you see? Yes, you wearing the headband, go on.

NOOOO! How dare you answer that Ms. Paz de la Huerta looks like a cat on a crazy train. Can you not see this elegant yet dangerous predator? The lipstick the color of dried blood? The sheen of perspiration from hunting her prey? No?

This class depresses me! Get away from my sight, all of you! Leave now."

End of lecture.

Posing Lecture No. 2

The following post is brought to you by, The Starlets' School of Posing. This is a transcript of Professor Mary Lara "Billy" Menounos Hart-Spencer on a lecture proceeding the CFDA Awards.

"Good Morning, ladies. How are you today? I feel fantastic, thank you. I was able to pass by the Curves Gym for females only and did some crutches. Ay. Crunches, I mean. It is my accent. Forgive.

All right today we take a look at some wonderful photographs from CFDA Awards. These photos will illustrate the poses I want to discuss with you today. First is this Dakota Fanning:





Yes! This is what I'm talking about. Of course she has the Permanent Hand on Waist but she maximizes the effect by crossing her thighs. I looove this pose, ladies. You know why? Because this isoceles triangle between her calves is like a vortex that sucks out leg fat. I get excited by this! What do you think the jealous fashion critics might be saying to themselves when they look at Ms. Fanning? Go on, take a guess...

(Transcriptionist's note: student in back of lecture hall says something unintelligible, Professor Billy responds.)

WHAAT? How dare you, young lady! The jealous critics are not saying 'do you need to peepee in your panty?!' Your stupidity is offensive. Time out for you!

Let us move on. Ladies, what do Tyra Banks and me have in common? Correct. We both want to see the neck! Starlets with no neck are no starlets at all. The neck is a graceful slope. We must draw attention to it at all times. Take a look at Ms. Irina Lazareanu!





Genius! What better way to say to your public, 'look at my neck,' than to wear a NECK BELT?

(Transcriptionist's note: a student approaches Professor Billy and they have a private discussion.)

Aaay. No. I am broken. Your classmate has just informed me that the reason for the neck belt is a serious, serious matter. Let's hold hands, ladies. Ms. Lazareanu has what is called, Body Part Displacement Disorder.

That's right. She does actually have her waist on her neck. The belt covers the navel. Woe is me!

I am shy to talk about next photo. You will all say I have a favorite. But I couldn't resist! Presenting, Ms. Dree Hemingway!





She is doing what few starlets have attempted, that is the Religious Conviction Pose. Ms. Hemingway is to be admired by all of you. Her beliefs are important to her which is why instead of wearing that string on her wrist like other followers of Kabbalah, she is wearing it on her forehead!

Learn from her, young ladies, convictions, principles are what truly matter. Not blood flow to the brain or avoiding mushroom formation of hair or being comfortable. Gangrene of the forehead? Ay! Believe me, that is nothing!"

(End of lecture.)

Posing 10&#!

This post is brought to you by the Starlets' School of Posing, now an affiliate of Phoenix University, classes have started but students still accepted. This is a transcript of the online lecture of Professor Mary Lara "Billy" Menounos Hart-Spencer.

"As we peruse the photographs from the Metropolitan Museum's Costume Institute Benefit I would like to bring to your attention three poses that you must commit to memory.

First let us discuss this young lady, who calls herself Dree Hemingway. Here is her photograph:



As you can see, her reverse tuxedo attire requires her to pose only with her back facing the camera and her head turned. But ladies, Ms. Hemingway goes above and beyond by not only turning her head but also leaning backwards from the waist. This is one flexible girl. It will do you well to learn from her. Ay! Uh-oh! Something is happening...





Dagblammit! She broke in half. She just clean broke in half. Like a pencil.


Let us move on. This next one is very difficult to master. This pose is exemplified by Lauren Sto. Domingo. Who is wearing this sparkly convention. Ay! Forgive me. It is my accent. I am part Greek, part TV host. I meant to say confection. Sparkly confection.




Ladies, what better way to show off the hard work you have put in from your three-week cleansing diet than to have pictures taken only in sideview? Paper-thin, ladies, that is the keyword. You want to demonstrate to your public that the normal proportions of neck circumference multiplied by two equals waist measurement does not and never will apply to you because you, are something else! Your waist is only 3 inches larger than your neck!


Finally, we are honored to have Ms. Renee Zellweger as our final example in this lecture. I warn you, ladies, her pose is expert level. Many try but few succeed.



Ms. Zellweger has done what true masters have. Before posing she asked herself, What's my motivation here? Ladies, who can tell me the answer?

No, no, young lady. It is not, inflict bodily harm on hairstylist who gave me Tatum O' Neal a la Paper Moon haircut. For shame. Be quiet.

Anyone else?

Yes! Yes! Pain is her motivation. Every loss of breath, every jab from the boning of her gown, every blood vessel constricted by the fabric is evident in her pose! But see, she is trying to smile. Oh! How I admire her. I want to point this out, yes, see all the cords in her neck, the shoulder muscles, the biceps? It is popping and locking like the electric boogaloo.

Masterful. That is all I can say."