Posing 10&#!

This post is brought to you by the Starlets' School of Posing, now an affiliate of Phoenix University, classes have started but students still accepted. This is a transcript of the online lecture of Professor Mary Lara "Billy" Menounos Hart-Spencer.

"As we peruse the photographs from the Metropolitan Museum's Costume Institute Benefit I would like to bring to your attention three poses that you must commit to memory.

First let us discuss this young lady, who calls herself Dree Hemingway. Here is her photograph:



As you can see, her reverse tuxedo attire requires her to pose only with her back facing the camera and her head turned. But ladies, Ms. Hemingway goes above and beyond by not only turning her head but also leaning backwards from the waist. This is one flexible girl. It will do you well to learn from her. Ay! Uh-oh! Something is happening...





Dagblammit! She broke in half. She just clean broke in half. Like a pencil.


Let us move on. This next one is very difficult to master. This pose is exemplified by Lauren Sto. Domingo. Who is wearing this sparkly convention. Ay! Forgive me. It is my accent. I am part Greek, part TV host. I meant to say confection. Sparkly confection.




Ladies, what better way to show off the hard work you have put in from your three-week cleansing diet than to have pictures taken only in sideview? Paper-thin, ladies, that is the keyword. You want to demonstrate to your public that the normal proportions of neck circumference multiplied by two equals waist measurement does not and never will apply to you because you, are something else! Your waist is only 3 inches larger than your neck!


Finally, we are honored to have Ms. Renee Zellweger as our final example in this lecture. I warn you, ladies, her pose is expert level. Many try but few succeed.



Ms. Zellweger has done what true masters have. Before posing she asked herself, What's my motivation here? Ladies, who can tell me the answer?

No, no, young lady. It is not, inflict bodily harm on hairstylist who gave me Tatum O' Neal a la Paper Moon haircut. For shame. Be quiet.

Anyone else?

Yes! Yes! Pain is her motivation. Every loss of breath, every jab from the boning of her gown, every blood vessel constricted by the fabric is evident in her pose! But see, she is trying to smile. Oh! How I admire her. I want to point this out, yes, see all the cords in her neck, the shoulder muscles, the biceps? It is popping and locking like the electric boogaloo.

Masterful. That is all I can say."