Shopping Misguide Spring/Summer 2013 Edition

With April on fast forward, and September just around the corner, this edition of Shopping Misguide is long overdue. So I'll just jump right into it.

Must Have No. 1: Black and White

All you need to do is think of certain images to bring this trend to life. Close your eyes and think: Piano keys. Hamburglar on heels. Referee chic. Chess couture. Mime Fashion Week. One of Michael Jackson's biggest songs ever. Eyeballs. A healthy tooth beside a cavity-ridden one.



This shouldn't even be a "trend." We all have black and white in our closets. The key is to really zebra it up and play with that contrast. And get your friends in on it with a day of themed dressing in the vein of Spy Vs. Spy Meets Oreos.

Must Have No. 2: Ruffles

Preferably sour cream and onion with chilled ranch dip. Just kidding. Ruffles are tricky. I think we women have a love-hate relationship with anything that's overly feminine. Which is why when wearing ruffles it is advisable to temper the sweet detail with something sharp and edgy. A knife necklace, perhaps. I am also drawn to the idea of a mustache, the more natural the better, so no waxing ladies!

Must Have No. 3: Sheer

And I don't mean L'Eggs! Hey, remember your mom's pantyhose? The ones that came in a little egg-shaped receptacle? We're not talking about that. We're talking about a look at me/no, don't look at me approach. This calls for the most revealing outfit you have ever owned but with an overlay of swishy, sheer details. But why stop there? I propose taking this a step further. For instance, over your most streamlined summer sandal, wear a pair of clogs. Have a pair of creepy little shades? Layer that underneath your oversized sunglasses! Wearing a bandaid from a paper cut? Add a cast.

Must Have No. 4: Rainbow Brite

I'm sure you've seen this everywhere. Those bold, bright lipstick shades that look like they're fresh out of your box of crayons. I am not brave enough to wear those colors. I am not brave enough to wear lipstick, period. Why? All I know is that my lips are so dry that by the end of the day they'll be cracking and looking like a mosaic. But, if I could, I would definitely try all those reds and pinks and Rihanna purples and my fave, The Alaska:

House of Marni Xtravaganza Escandalo

Why do I never learn? I once underestimated the Seattle and E-bay response to designer collaborations, and paid dearly for it. And I did it again. I got in line for Marni at H&M at say, 7:20 this morning. By then the time slot I got for the 15-minute shopping allotment was for 8:45, which meant that two other groups will have shopped before my group. And I have to say, I felt a twinge of pain as the merchandise began to disappear before my eyes, and the eyes of my fellow 8:45 peeps.

I did not get that stupid sequined collar or those annoying earrings that were already embedded in my brain. I did not get any of the brocade tops or pants which I would not wear anyway. But, I did get two bracelets. I almost got a striped men's sweater, before the voice of reason, aka, the voice of my bank account said, striped sweater, again? To join the other striped sweaters in your closet? So they can have a stripe party and drink stripe cocktails? And make this new one the queen of stripes I also, almost got those flat black sandals but in a size smaller than my actual size. I put it down when I heard the voice of Shangela LaQuifa Wadley saying cliffhanger! Reverse Cliffhanger alert!



So yes. Yes. I stood in line, my toes almost froze, my coffee turned lukewarm, and I needed to pee, all for two bracelets! Thankfully, they were fabulous.

Not so fabulous? All that interesting behavior that waiting in line for a designer collab brings out in people. Take, The Fashion Insider. There she waits, with her fellow Fashion Insider friends, proselytizing on the wisdom of buying everything you can get your hands on. After all, the prices are mere shillings compared to clothes from the designer's main line. Yes, shillings are still the preferred currency in H&M and such places. She will also whip out her smart phone and pull up pictures of the Prada handbag she has on her wish list. Also on her wish list? New conditioner for her thirsty, crunchy hair ends. Just kidding (but not really).

And then we have the Busy Working Woman. Busy, yet still somewhat cares about fashion. Look at her, giving cellulite realness in her leggings and puffy jacket. I don't really care. But I want to care. I do care. No, not really. I'm busy. Not that busy to wake up at 5am and wait in line. But no, I have better things to do.

Last, but not least, we have the most dangerous kind. The E-bay gang with their baggy jeans and hefty biceps. See them flex their muscles. They're warming up now. Third in line after the super fans. They know the drill by heart -- wear a hat while waiting outside, no more than 2 per item, stand by the gate as sales associates hand merch back into the floor from the fitting rooms or cash registers.

There you have it. Another H&M fail for me. Another lesson to be learned. Namely: Get in line before the E-bay gang. Flex your muscles. Pee before waiting. Don't hit snooze on your alarm clock more than twice. Eat breakfast. Cellulite Realness is a no-no unless you're Jiggly Caliente. And finally, skip everything else except hair conditioner!