What's For Lunch?

OMG. Don't judge but this is what I had for lunch. I fried up one of the hamburger patties I made and froze last week. Then, I made gravy out of a can of cream of mushroom soup except it was low sodium so I high sodium-ed it with a tiny bit of beef broth and then added some fat with a little bit of half and half. And yes, there's more. I ate it with rice. And yeah, so what if I ate it all with a SPOON? Obviously a spoon was called for because how was I going to eat all that "gravy" with any other utensil? Right?

Now I do want to be healthy which is why I did the Crunch Gym's Ass N' Abs workout a few hours later. I like those Crunch Gym peeps. Except they keep emphasizing which location they're at even if I would see some who were supposedly from the San Francisco gym at the New York gym. The Ass N' Abs trainer, Michelle Opperman, kind of looks like Dina from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. And I don't even know how I made that association because I have never seen an episode of that show, haha. Hahahaha. Ha haaaa.

The only problem was I kept thinking about whether I should toast the bread in a pan for the post-workout sandwich I was going to eat or if I should just use the toaster.

And here's another thing about following these workout videos in the privacy of your home - you can skip the parts you don't like. I will come clean and say any video that requires push-ups will most likely earn a fast forward from me. I'll do squats and crunches and the hundred and the Arnold, etc, etc. But, I mean, this is kind of weird but I always imagine that my forearms will give under the weight of my body and they'll fold over the wrong way like that bit from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets where Harry gets jelly arms. Ayyyy. Just thinking about it gives me the shivers.

I still remember how in college, we were required to take P.E. And that one day, after a horrible class that forced us to get our body fat measured with calipers, I had to come face to face with my real body type - fake skinny. Oh all right maybe just fake normal. And by fake I mean fake. I mean, even those calipers were pretty shocked at the amout of fat my body concealed.

I would really like to think that my body fat percentage has decreased.




Yup. that was the end of that sentence. See ya!

XOXO

Who Are You Wearing (Text Me)?

Yesterday afternoon, I parked my buttocks at a spot where I could use my laptop and have full view of the TV. E! was doing red carpet coverage for the 2011 SAG Awards and aside from tweets from designers' PR people, it really was the quickest way to find out who was wearing what while actually seeing the person wearing it. So there I was searching on the internet, looking for images all the while typing a short article about whose gown looked lovely and which look was gorgeous and deciding which actress gets the adjective stunning. I mean I'll only use stunning once in the article, right?

Aay. I'm never finishing this story. Okay, okay, so there I was, with no other option but to listen to Giuliana Rancid. I mean Rancic. Well! There goes New Year's resolution number five: no more making fun of people and their names.


(What? I was in a hurry. This is the best I could draw at the moment. Leave me alone.)

OMG. The Fug Girls were spot on. It was hard to watch. I was torn between hitting mute or blindfolding myself. All right, maybe it wasn't that bad and obviously I know nothing about interviewing people, just ask the museum curator I chatted with for an article years ago. Oh, what? He doesn't remember? He remembers only silence? Yeah. He doesn't remember.

The interviews were just uncomfortable to watch. Does she want to be their friend or does she want to do an interview? When she told more than one actor to text her? Squirm. Or when she started off with, I love twitter to James Franco? Ummmm... And when she lay prone at Christian Bale's feet going, Master, what dost thou desire?

Okay. That didn't happen. But this happened:

G: How did you get here so fast?
Jesse Eisenberg: On a plane.

OH SSSSNAP!

Something Evil Lurking in the Dark

It was a full moon the other night. The sight of it from my bedroom window as I came up the stairs creeped me out a little. Needless to say, scary images and scenarios started to leak into my brain and I began to scare myself. And I don't mean I looked in the mirror and screamed at a reflection of my crazy hair.

I was making myself something to eat when the phone rang and stopped. In mid-ring. And I almost didn't want to look at it because the little screen might suddenly say, Line in Use, like it does if someone happens to answer the upstairs phone. Except, no one else was home. So, I just concentrated on my food and tried to banish the thought.

I had the lights on, TV on and guess what I see on the screen? This movie on HBO with Melissa George and Oded Fehr and the creepy-face lady who played the cat mom on Sleepwalkers! That actress is scary. She also played the cobwebbed granny on Silent Hill and Morgana on The Sorcerer's Apprentice.... What? Oh. I didn't actually watch that movie, excuse you.





Anyway, it seemed like I momentarily regressed into my early years where there was so much material to scare children with, like white ladies and malignant elves and statues that come to life and look at the address on your school ID and visit you at home. And the baby-eating monster perched on a rooftop and devil dogs and top-half only winged women and the opening bars of Michael Jackson's Thriller. And the abandoned house on the street you grew up in and your classmate's mother with the Bride of Frankenstein hair and AYEEEH!! There it is again!!!

Oh wait, no. That was just my hair in the mirror.

Eyes, Ears, Voice, Loud

More encounters with graduates from the School of Speaking with an Audience. This guy with long red hair, wearing a leather jacket with patches, gets on the bus and starts chatting up this bearded guy and I promise you, I could hear them very well even through the music playing in my ears.

As an aside, I used to just read or stare out the window when on the bus. However, I have successfully shaken off my aversion to headphones or earbuds.

As an aside to that aside, my thing against head/ear contraptions came about because of my old job where I wore a headset for years, including when I took showers and went shopping. Just kidding. But yeah, I thought my right ear was starting to go a little bit deaf.

So this guy, I could hear him talking about video games blah blah blah. And the other guy says something about Magic blah blah. And then Bearded Guy lets slip that he's only 21 and never gets carded. And to this, Long Hair says, I always get carded. Maybe it's because I don't have facial hair. And to that, Bearded Guy politely replied, uh, yeah I can see why they would card you.

Yeah. Whatever. What he lacked in facial hair he made up for in missing teeth! Come on!

Not only was I annoyed then at having to hear their loud voices while on the bus, Now I am still annoyed because I still remember what they were talking about!





Oh, have you ever had that tired feeling in your eyes? You know the one where one eyelid is involuntarily twitching and you read something and it registers as a completely different word or phrase in your brain?

So, on the road the other day I see this sign at a sports store and I thought it read: Congratulations to the Tittiest... I beg your pardon. The what?!? Are they rewarding some girl because she has the most tits?!?

Turns out the sign said titleist and not tittiest. It's a little bit like when it's so cold and your fingers are freezing and you can't type a proper last paragrapf to yourrr blogj wentry wut iz happehningnggg


Photo: Listicles

Two Thousand Elevenses

Happy New Year to one and all! I assure you I do know that it isn't actually elevenses, not unless we are referring to that term used in the UK for a snack in the morning. Everyone knows the actual number is eleven-teen. As in nine, ten, eleven-teen, twelve-ty, thirteens, fourteefjfjf.

Everyone also knows that the best way to spend the few days off you have before/ during/ after Christmas and New Year is to watch QVC. No, really, someone help me. I can't seem to turn away. There is something mesmerizing about the parade of flats, opera jackets, beaded necklaces, mocassins and scarves. You have these women with their pearlized nail polish and lacquered hair overflowing with enthusiasm for the cap-toe flats in regular sizes and wait for it... WIDE WIDTHS!

And how about when the models come out in their new clothes and there's always one who can't seem to stand still? Or what do I know, maybe the producer said, quarter turn every 3 seconds, you hear? Obviously they've figured out a formula that can hypnotize viewers because the whole home shopping industry, or maybe just QVC, is worth tons of money.

My favorites are Accessorizing with Rachel Zoe and Isaac Mizrahi Live! Through the haze of my runny nose and stubborn cough, I can hear a voice seducing me into handing over my credit card number for a pair of Isaac's snake embossed leather mocs. Except, the chestnut is sold out in my size! Oh no, the voice is saying, the black will work just fine, hiss hissssss.






Going back to the new year. Our new year's eve with the family and extended family was a somewhat quiet one. The little ones were absent so it was a 21 and over kind of affair.

Hmmm... Now that I think back on it, maybe it wasn't quiet at all. Everyone took turns playing Rock Band, some played better than others (and the others just kept failing or walking out in mid-song). My aunt kept sneaking up behind people with that horrid air horn. My uncle decided to burst into his version of Katy Perry's Firework and Lady Gaga's Bad Romance using that lyrics-i-touch-app-thing... oh wait, that might have been me. My sister kept fiddling with them kiddie-megaphone toys and screaming into them. And just when we were about to end the festivities, another uncle decided to make us coffee with about half a coffee cup's worth of liquor. Yup. That was how our New Year's Eve went.



photo source: CNBC

Promo-Code-Free-Shipping-Happy-Holidays!

Merry Christmas, everyone! It's always shocking how quickly Christmas Eve arrives. I mean, you're going about your November, just contemplating the holidays and presents and then bam! It's almost December 24 and your amazon.com order is set to arrive on that very day, leaving you with approximately 2 hours to wrap it up and take it with you to Christmas Eve dinner. WOHOHOHOHO, SEASON'S GREETINGS!!!

Yup. I just wanted to get that off my chest. It could have been worse. My online shopping packages could have arrived on the 25th. I don't know why I haven't learned my lesson. I should just make up my mind more quickly and not wait for the, last day of free super saver shipping on qualifying orders... restrictions apply. I also did some actual shopping in stores where the only thing worse than lining up at the register is lining up at the register with the person behind you breathing down your neck. All right, just kidding, it wasn't that bad. Except if the person breathing down your neck had ashtray breath, haha. No, it wasn't like that. It really could be worse, like if the person behind you had ashtray breath and a bad temper and you were in a hardware store that sells chainsaws and the store is about to close so there is only one exit.




Last Saturday, I finally got a haircut. Okay, now don't sneer at me but I haven't had a haircut in weeks and weeks. And by weeks I mean months. And, fine! By months I mean half a year! The lady who does my hair moved and she only flies into town every so often. So we got together and I wanted a length that was just above my boob area, long layers, no more bangs, thank you very much.

After the actual haircut, something got into her and she decided to show me how to do glamorous curls! Armed with her curling iron and several rollers, my fabulous hairstylist gave me a kind of old Hollywood 'do. Super fancy. I wish I had somewhere to go to other than the NEIGHBORHOOD SAFEWAY where I had to stop by. Oh well, there's nothing like looking glam at the cash register, under supermarket lighting.

Psst... How about some Marjorie Dawes for the holidays?

Underplay/ Overreact

I had an interesting encounter a few weeks ago. I complimented someone about her figure and I got a response that I didn't quite expect. We've all heard the usual ones like, thank you and aww, you're just being nice or, really? But I've never heard someone reply with a, drum roll please...

Well, I've been blessed.

Before I blurted out, blessed you are... with a big ego! I thought about it. Was I taken aback because I didn't really mean what I said? Was I surprised because the response was something I've never heard from most people I've paid compliments to? Was it her or was it just me? Was my inner reaction an overreaction?



Moving on to matters of the fitting room. I decided to be a little more adventurous and try a clothing item I would not normally touch with the edge of a fingernail. Yes, I am talking about harem pants. I've seen people who have worn them with success, most of them tall women with Alexa Chung thighs and on them, the pants really do look strangely appealing. So I tried a pair on at Nordstrom's and WHAT THE HEY?! MY EYES ARE BURNING! I looked like I ran out of pants and decided to fashion a loincloth out of someone's black bedsheet. It was bad. Worse than the time I tried on a pair of diaper slacks at Ross Dress for Less (just kidding).