Promo-Code-Free-Shipping-Happy-Holidays!

Merry Christmas, everyone! It's always shocking how quickly Christmas Eve arrives. I mean, you're going about your November, just contemplating the holidays and presents and then bam! It's almost December 24 and your amazon.com order is set to arrive on that very day, leaving you with approximately 2 hours to wrap it up and take it with you to Christmas Eve dinner. WOHOHOHOHO, SEASON'S GREETINGS!!!

Yup. I just wanted to get that off my chest. It could have been worse. My online shopping packages could have arrived on the 25th. I don't know why I haven't learned my lesson. I should just make up my mind more quickly and not wait for the, last day of free super saver shipping on qualifying orders... restrictions apply. I also did some actual shopping in stores where the only thing worse than lining up at the register is lining up at the register with the person behind you breathing down your neck. All right, just kidding, it wasn't that bad. Except if the person breathing down your neck had ashtray breath, haha. No, it wasn't like that. It really could be worse, like if the person behind you had ashtray breath and a bad temper and you were in a hardware store that sells chainsaws and the store is about to close so there is only one exit.




Last Saturday, I finally got a haircut. Okay, now don't sneer at me but I haven't had a haircut in weeks and weeks. And by weeks I mean months. And, fine! By months I mean half a year! The lady who does my hair moved and she only flies into town every so often. So we got together and I wanted a length that was just above my boob area, long layers, no more bangs, thank you very much.

After the actual haircut, something got into her and she decided to show me how to do glamorous curls! Armed with her curling iron and several rollers, my fabulous hairstylist gave me a kind of old Hollywood 'do. Super fancy. I wish I had somewhere to go to other than the NEIGHBORHOOD SAFEWAY where I had to stop by. Oh well, there's nothing like looking glam at the cash register, under supermarket lighting.

Psst... How about some Marjorie Dawes for the holidays?

High In Fat Low In Fat

There's nothing like a bad mood brought on by hunger. You're miserable. Your stomach is making loud, gurgling noises that you suspect everyone around you can hear. Anything anyone says irritates you. It's a bad place to be in. A dark, bad place.

For a few years I had an on and off thing with carbs. It started when I had just moved to Seattle. I thought I was eating the same amount I always have but, you know, the little lies we tell ourselves. The truth came to me in the form of a really bad picture. My upper arm was on the foreground of said picture and it looked like a sausage about to burst. Hush, child, I kid you not. It was a fat lardy sausage. If you pierced it with a fork sausage-y grease would have come out.

And so I went on the South Beach diet which helped me lose the weight. It also gave me the most vivid dreams of steaming white rice, pasta and crusty bread and lining up for buffets at posh hotels. And also short spells of dizziness and extended spells of crankiness. These are the exact same effects the Master Cleanse had on me but a hundred times worse. Yeah, thanks a lot Beyonce, for yammering about Master cleanse this and master cleanse that and bootylicious this and jelly that.

I know certain people who have gone on this GM diet. You're supposed to eat only one or two specific foods each day of the week. I don't know about that. I'm not sure I find Wednesdays with bananas and milk and Fridays with beef and tomato reliable. But hey, they said it worked.

Before I end this, I would just like to send a message to my metabolism. Hey, you dick, do you need a compass? A map? When I'm making an effort to get fit I don't really need to lose any weight on my neck or wrists or ankles. Come on, a little help around the thighs, please! Oh, what did you say? It's not your fault I eat like a trucker on the weekends? And that I have never said no to bacon?

Huh. Okay, fair enough.

Now it's time for some diet advice from my favorite expert, Marjorie Dawes: