Two Thousand Elevenses

Happy New Year to one and all! I assure you I do know that it isn't actually elevenses, not unless we are referring to that term used in the UK for a snack in the morning. Everyone knows the actual number is eleven-teen. As in nine, ten, eleven-teen, twelve-ty, thirteens, fourteefjfjf.

Everyone also knows that the best way to spend the few days off you have before/ during/ after Christmas and New Year is to watch QVC. No, really, someone help me. I can't seem to turn away. There is something mesmerizing about the parade of flats, opera jackets, beaded necklaces, mocassins and scarves. You have these women with their pearlized nail polish and lacquered hair overflowing with enthusiasm for the cap-toe flats in regular sizes and wait for it... WIDE WIDTHS!

And how about when the models come out in their new clothes and there's always one who can't seem to stand still? Or what do I know, maybe the producer said, quarter turn every 3 seconds, you hear? Obviously they've figured out a formula that can hypnotize viewers because the whole home shopping industry, or maybe just QVC, is worth tons of money.

My favorites are Accessorizing with Rachel Zoe and Isaac Mizrahi Live! Through the haze of my runny nose and stubborn cough, I can hear a voice seducing me into handing over my credit card number for a pair of Isaac's snake embossed leather mocs. Except, the chestnut is sold out in my size! Oh no, the voice is saying, the black will work just fine, hiss hissssss.






Going back to the new year. Our new year's eve with the family and extended family was a somewhat quiet one. The little ones were absent so it was a 21 and over kind of affair.

Hmmm... Now that I think back on it, maybe it wasn't quiet at all. Everyone took turns playing Rock Band, some played better than others (and the others just kept failing or walking out in mid-song). My aunt kept sneaking up behind people with that horrid air horn. My uncle decided to burst into his version of Katy Perry's Firework and Lady Gaga's Bad Romance using that lyrics-i-touch-app-thing... oh wait, that might have been me. My sister kept fiddling with them kiddie-megaphone toys and screaming into them. And just when we were about to end the festivities, another uncle decided to make us coffee with about half a coffee cup's worth of liquor. Yup. That was how our New Year's Eve went.



photo source: CNBC

Promo-Code-Free-Shipping-Happy-Holidays!

Merry Christmas, everyone! It's always shocking how quickly Christmas Eve arrives. I mean, you're going about your November, just contemplating the holidays and presents and then bam! It's almost December 24 and your amazon.com order is set to arrive on that very day, leaving you with approximately 2 hours to wrap it up and take it with you to Christmas Eve dinner. WOHOHOHOHO, SEASON'S GREETINGS!!!

Yup. I just wanted to get that off my chest. It could have been worse. My online shopping packages could have arrived on the 25th. I don't know why I haven't learned my lesson. I should just make up my mind more quickly and not wait for the, last day of free super saver shipping on qualifying orders... restrictions apply. I also did some actual shopping in stores where the only thing worse than lining up at the register is lining up at the register with the person behind you breathing down your neck. All right, just kidding, it wasn't that bad. Except if the person breathing down your neck had ashtray breath, haha. No, it wasn't like that. It really could be worse, like if the person behind you had ashtray breath and a bad temper and you were in a hardware store that sells chainsaws and the store is about to close so there is only one exit.




Last Saturday, I finally got a haircut. Okay, now don't sneer at me but I haven't had a haircut in weeks and weeks. And by weeks I mean months. And, fine! By months I mean half a year! The lady who does my hair moved and she only flies into town every so often. So we got together and I wanted a length that was just above my boob area, long layers, no more bangs, thank you very much.

After the actual haircut, something got into her and she decided to show me how to do glamorous curls! Armed with her curling iron and several rollers, my fabulous hairstylist gave me a kind of old Hollywood 'do. Super fancy. I wish I had somewhere to go to other than the NEIGHBORHOOD SAFEWAY where I had to stop by. Oh well, there's nothing like looking glam at the cash register, under supermarket lighting.

Psst... How about some Marjorie Dawes for the holidays?

Underplay/ Overreact

I had an interesting encounter a few weeks ago. I complimented someone about her figure and I got a response that I didn't quite expect. We've all heard the usual ones like, thank you and aww, you're just being nice or, really? But I've never heard someone reply with a, drum roll please...

Well, I've been blessed.

Before I blurted out, blessed you are... with a big ego! I thought about it. Was I taken aback because I didn't really mean what I said? Was I surprised because the response was something I've never heard from most people I've paid compliments to? Was it her or was it just me? Was my inner reaction an overreaction?



Moving on to matters of the fitting room. I decided to be a little more adventurous and try a clothing item I would not normally touch with the edge of a fingernail. Yes, I am talking about harem pants. I've seen people who have worn them with success, most of them tall women with Alexa Chung thighs and on them, the pants really do look strangely appealing. So I tried a pair on at Nordstrom's and WHAT THE HEY?! MY EYES ARE BURNING! I looked like I ran out of pants and decided to fashion a loincloth out of someone's black bedsheet. It was bad. Worse than the time I tried on a pair of diaper slacks at Ross Dress for Less (just kidding).

Frozen Tundras and Lady Paula

What a week. First, Monday brings us a yucky, snowy day. Thankfully I didn't have to go to work. Although, I wish I could have done some writing. But, I couldn't. Why? My laptop's charger decided to quit on me. The nerve! Not even a two week notice. Or, a short note. Or, a text.

More snow and freezing temperatures on Tuesday. Wasn't able to get to work. Still no laptop.

Wednesday, I had to find a way to get myself to work. Bus snow routes were in effect which meant that I had an 11-block walk to the bus stop. I walked uphill, in a frozen tundra. The wind chill was punishing. I could see the snow getting blown off the ground. I could hear um, birds that live in icy places make their call, signalling to their flock that I was close to death and could be eaten. I really didn't think I was going to make it.

Oh, all right. That was an exaggeration. Strike frozen tundra from my previous paragraph. And it wasn't uphill. Although, there really was a wind chill and some spots on the sidewalk were pretty icy. And no birds. The 11-block walk was accurate. Thankfully I had snow pants on and heavy-duty gloves. But really though, it was cold. It was so cold that on the way back home, I stood next to a penguin while waiting for my bus.

What? Right. That wasn't a penguin. It was just a lady of short stature in a black, shiny, hooded floor-length coat.

Yesterday was much better. I got to borrow my sister's laptop (which, I am using at the moment). It got warm enough for all the snow to melt. No drama on the road to Thanksgiving dinner with family. If you must know, I dressed very appropriately. Everyone knows one's appetite is only as large as one's poncho and only as strong as one's elastic waist band...Happy Thanksgiving!




Ooh. Tomorrow, it will be a week since Lanvin for H&M's launch. I will admit, I completely underestimated Seattle response to the event. I ended up waiting in line for a while. I knew I had nowhere to wear those precious dresses to so I went straight to the men's section to get my hands on the jackets.

What jackets? By the time I got there the place was already ransacked. I was lucky to even get one jacket and one shirt. There was even a crabby, well-dressed man who saucily muttered to himself, this place is full of fat people. In a matter of minutes, even the poor mannequins were stripped - from the sunglasses to the scarf to its right arm. Madness.

I leave you with today's selection for Flier of the Month, written by a Lady Paula. Provenance? 3rd and Pike. Here is an excerpt:

Say Hello to the Rug's Topography: A Perfect Circle Plays Thirteenth Step at Showbox at the Market

How about thirteen observations on A Perfect Circle's 2nd night at the Showbox? Let's start with:

1. Waiting at the Green Room is a great advantage... if you are willing to pay a price. And by price I mean, the price of drinks and/or bar food. Each person gets a piece of paper with a number corresponding to the order batches of people are let in. Which means, if you're early you will most likely be in batch 1 and the road to the first row is wide open. And maybe you don't even have to spend too much. Just buy one or two drinks, ration it out and that would mean no waiting outside, in the cold or rain and you can save all your foot and leg energy for when the show starts.

On the other hand, the Green Room's environment and the loooong wait until the doors open, breed a lot of drunken behavior. Just ask the lady with her headphones on who was bopping around the bar talking to strangers and bouncers and anyone who would listen.

2. The bar sold quite a bit of Maynard's wine from Cadaver Cellars. What? Oh, sorry. It's Caduceus Cellars. The mature ladies, most especially, shelled out about $8 a pop for that wine.

3. Someone in the band enjoys The Carpenters as the pre-show music was a lot of that and other '70s tunes.

4. I knew I would have a little bit of trouble as soon as I saw, from the corner of my eye, who was standing behind me:




5. Wait a minute. Sorry. My mistake, that was a little too Ursula from Disney's The Little Mermaid. I think it was more like this:




Unfortunately for me, the creature migrated to the spot beside me, along with her mate, whose call was, woohoohoohahaha! WAHAHAHAHA! MAYNARD! PRECIOUS! YEAH BABY! WOOHOOHOOHAHA, and whose elbow somehow seemed to keep finding my head. Ugh. Keep your man bits in your mate's vicinity, you perv. And really? Scoot over? Scoot over, where? Our row was elbow-to-elbow even before you squished your tentacles between me and the person on my left.

6. Rumor was, Maynard was sick. If he was, it didn't show. He sounded great, maybe with a little help from whatever you call that delayed, echo effect thing. As an aside, Josh Freese's twitter page is really entertaining.

7. Maynard's wig kind of looked like this:





8. The Nurse Who Loved Me was an amazing surprise! I already like the song a lot but to hear a longer version, with Billy Howerdel and the guys doing something different with it was an extra bonus.

9. James Iha sure can tell a joke. Lame as they were, his delivery was so endearing and the band's reactions and sound effects were so spot on that you couldn't help laughing anyway. The new bassist, Matt McJunkins gamely took in Maynard's new-guy jokes and Billy's guitar-pick-throwing. Also, James gets a thousand points for showing Seattle some love with his, home of rock quip.

10. Yesss! We got to hear 3 Libras anyway, the Massive Attack remix, that is. But still!

11. Revenge against the squid-folk came courtesy of one of Showbox's security guys. See, the no camera warning was pretty stern. But Ursula's mate thought it would be cool to snap some shots even with a cute security guy about two feet away from him. To be honest, I would have liked it if they were ejected but, the security people were not that mean. They took his camera instead. I hope they didn't get it back. Just kidding (but not really).

12. Okay I'm running out of material so I'm just going to say it was an amazing night and the ticket price with all those ridiculous surcharges, convenience fees, restroom-waiting-line fees, assistance-for-the-drunk fees were well worth it.

13. Even with the dark, creepy tone of their last song, a cover of Imagine, we all still had huge grins on our faces as we walked out the doors and onto 1st and Pike... where an ambulance was waiting for this man or was it woman, who was taken out in a wheelchair by Showbox staffers, two-way radios in their hands.

Yay, Seattle.

In a Ranting Mood

First of all, we've run out of half-and-half. There's not a renegade can of condensed milk or evaporated milk in the pantry, although, there's a surplus of Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup which, IS USELESS FOR MY COFFEE. So I am typing this with nonfat, powdered milk IN MY COFFEE.

I have now put myself in a ranting mood where every single moment I was affronted, in the past or present, starts to bubble up and take shape in my mind. So, I would just like to say to that woman who thought it was appropriate to feel sad for me when I happily cut my hair short, hey, hey lady, those clogs aren't working for ya!

Yeah, so that was several years ago, so what? Haven't you ever had a negative comment niggle in your brain for a long time?

Well, it's about to get worse, here's something from my younger years when I was but a wee lassie in my school uniform. Recess was in the classroom because it was raining and as I chewed on my peanut butter sandwich, I turned to my classmate and shared an innocent observation with her. I said, isn't it a bit strange how our teacher has a banana for recess every single day? Like a monkey?

You know what happened? My classmate, let's call her Loose Lips, raises her hand and tells Ms. Banana what I told her. I had to stand up and get a verbal flogging for what Ms. Banana Peel thought was a hurtful comment. I didn't say Ms. Rotten Banana looked like a monkey. I just said Ms. Maggot-y Rotten Banana likes bananas like monkeys do!

And how about those people who tell you things you already know? Like, oh, you want to write, just submit your work, just get it out there. Or, just keep sending your resume, just keep going. Oh yeah? Guess what? I already know that. I've done that. Go brush your hair and leave me alone. Word of advice for those who are fond of giving advice, usually, the person you're talking to is already aware of the situation she's in. If anyone is more aware of what is happening, it is usually that person that you are talking to.

Here's a good one. So obviously, I was erm, in between jobs for a while. All right, for quite a long while. I attended a class with my peeps, my fellow unemployed peeps and we had a few minutes to chat with each other. And the woman I sat next to, although she did it in a friendly way, started to give a talk about what I should do to jumpstart my career. I mean, she really got into it, like she was an employment counselor and I was in desperate need of her expert advice. In my mind I went, ZOMG, WTF, STFU, did you forget you were unemployed too?

Here's something that raised my hackles this morning:

IS THAT YOUR SHIRT PEEKING FROM UNDER YOUR SKIRT? Isn't it bad enough that the summer brought us cut-off shorts that were so short the pockets were showing? Now you want to bring fame to exposed shirt hems?

AACK! I can still feel my forehead vein throbbing! So before you judge me with a, why so angry? Let it go, for crying out loud. Just think, anger can be useful. Look at me, my anger is making me burn calories because I'm pounding on my keyboard with so much force. And look,I'm about to defrost some frozen bananas to make some banana bread which, is damn tasty, if I may say so myself! And hey what's this? It's an oversized shirt. I think I'm going to steam away its wrinkles now. and then I'm going to go around the neighborhood, push people's front doors open and be Liz Taylor-like in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and say, WHAT A DUMP!

Goodbye and thank you very much.

Choose Your Costume

I was so bothered by my recent foray into convent attire that... well, just guess what my Halloween costume was. Here are some clues, stiff white shirt under a black cardigan and black dress, black tights, black orthopedic shoes. Get it? More clues? Black veil, rosary around neck, wooden ruler as a weapon. Get it now?

My sister went as a Mad Scientist. Ha! I take credit for that! Well, me and a can of Big and Sexy hairspray. It was pretty brilliant. She back-combed her hair into 1980s proportions and then sprayed massive amounts of Big and Sexy. Her lab coat was already messed up from her Chemistry Lab class and then we used her lab goggles as a stencil for soot marks around her eyes and nose.

In our party we had a risque-attired Little Red Riding Hood, a decorated Military woman, a car repairman with a Pedro wig (don't ask me why), there was a similarly risque-attired Little Miss Muffet and a prisoner with a taste for revealing uniforms.

Once we got to the Ballroom in Fremont, we spotted:

a bunch of bananas
a gingerbread man who, considering his perishable state, was in a very good mood
a disturbing trio that dressed up as an Oreo cookie, in other words, 2 black ladies in black unitards and their man friend in a white unitard
a team of Double Dare contestants
the Beastie Boys in Intergalactic attire
several Chilean miners
a couple of Jack Sparrows waiting for the next Pirate's of the Caribbean movie
Wayne and Garth from Wayne's World
a gaggle of Gagas
Snooki and friends
about 2 or more Popes and my fellow nuns
a donut
a wedding cake
homeless dudes with Please Help signs
and the usual sexy somethings - sexy nurse, sexy police officer, sexy school girl, sexy piece of furniture (just kidding)

Let's keep it Halloween-like with some French & Saunders, shall we?